Gooooood morning ladies! (And also, the like, one and a quarter gentlemen that reads this blog) I apologize that I have been missing for a while but as it turns out, struggling with crippling depression and anxiety causes you to lose interest in the things you once enjoyed. Who knew? (Literally everyone knew) It even got so bad that I missed touching base with y’all for my favorite season of all, Virgo Season! I hope you all celebrated the superior astrological sign accordingly.
Anyway, like a phoenix rising from the ashes, I’m back and I’ve got an axe to grind. I’ll start by providing you with some brief life updates for any of you that actually care, and then we’ll just see where the wind blows us. Hopefully, it blows me into an early grave.
Death, death, and more death!
In addition to the death of my father AND the death of my hopes and dreams, my beloved cat Patches also kicked the proverbial bucket last week. Although he was 17 and it was high time that he went on to the big litter box in the sky, it doesn’t make it any less emotionally devastating.
That being said, the last time one of my precious felines passed away and I mentioned it in a blog I was told that I was “acting like it was a family member” and “being super dramatic” so I guess, like with most things in life, I will just have to stifle the pain deeeeep down until it flairs up later and causes a huge issue.
Employment
For those of you who follow me on social media (which I’m assuming is the vast majority of you, because otherwise how else would you know about this blog) you may have noticed that I have reentered the corporate world. Yes, after almost a year of combatting PTSD from the absolute soul sucking nightmare that was my last job, I have been dragged kicking and screaming back into ofFicE LyFe.
Unfortunately, there is an addendum in the Employee Handbook I was given on my first day (that is literally the size of The Prophet of Mohammad) that we “are not allowed to address the company on any personal blogs” whiiich lowkey leads me to believe that they must’ve either saw me coming from a mile away, or are fans of Wine and Zoloft. Anyway, the tome also states that if we do mention working at the company (which of course I won’t do by name for, well, obvious reasons) we must clearly state that our own opinions do not align with or represent that of the company. Soooo, my own personal opinions do not align with or represent that of the company.
I will say for those of you who are wondering what exactly my job is, I am a brand manager for a line of boutique hotels that operate under a large real estate development firm. So put that in your pipe and smoke it.
Now, you may be asking yourselves, Rachel what exactly is a brand manager and what do they do? Well, I quite literally don’t know, Susan so mind your fucking business. It’s something to do with like marketing and like social media and sending emails that say things like “Aligned on messaging, although photo assets are not particularly symbiotic with desired brand aesthetic” and then slamming my laptop shut and going to the café downstairs. Other than that, I’ve basically just been packing up my Honda Civic and driving around to all the hotels we have in CT to do “fall content shoots”, which essentially consists of me lugging around oversized pumpkins and floral arrangements from Trader Joes.
Also, just as an aside, I know this is like an ongoing joke on Tiktok, but like the raw and rampant sexual energy exuded by Trader Joes employees should be case studied. Like, it’s almost as if they all get dropped off in the mornings in a van together coming from some of nudist colony or commune, and then they all get together after their shift and fuck in the produce section or near the artisanal cheeses. And I don’t think they engage in the act of lovemaking like normal people. Like, I bet the 67 year old male cashier with a gray ponytail and nose ring does some weird shit with his hands other than ringing up my .22 cent organic bananas.
Annnywayyyy, returning to corporate life has been.. An adjustment to say the least. And not just mentally. Waking up at 8:30 a.m. to trapse into the office at a cool 9:15 with greasy hair and a bad attitude is causing my body to break down.
I know that it will take time to train my body to snap out of going to bed at 3 a.m. and waking up at 2 p.m., but I just simply don’t think that it’s normal that I feel like I’ve been on the front lines of a war everyday by 5 p.m. I am quite literally sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. By 9 o’clock at night I can barely get my eyes to focus on the episode of Ugly Betty I’m watching and can’t even force down a glass of chilled Pinot Noir.
But, other than the crippling exhaustion and nightly tears, the job itself has been fine so far, my boss actually is a normal human being (cough cough Ursula cough cough) and it’s nice to have a reprieve a few times a week from sitting behind a desk and going around to boutique hotels with little more than an iPhone and a vision. In fact, yesterday on my way back from one of the locations I was passing through a mystical land called “Montville” and even pulled into a rustic pop-up stand/ diner to sample some local good eats. Unfortunately, the sign that said they offer “burgers, burritos, and other” was enough to deter me and I suspected that they would not necessarily pass a health inspection so I peeled away like Mario Andretti and fucked off from wherest I came.
Ozempic
I realized I mentioned my foray into America’s Most Popular Injectable and overall MIRACLE DRUG and then never discussed it again, so I thought I would give y’all a quick update (I’m aware literally no one probably cares) — It was also brought to my attention after initially posting about it that instead of broadcasting my love for the Big O, I should pretend that I’m losing weight naturally, to which I say.. Who gives a fuck.
Anyway, I made the mistake of not initially weighing myself before starting the big O so I’m not entirely sure what my starting weight was or how much I’ve lost overall, but my clothes fit better and some of my problem areas (my stomach, my huge heaving breasts) have noticeably slimmed down. Unfortunately, one thing that has not slimmed down is my GIANT FUCKING PIE FACE, but I digress. All in good time.
Anyway, (part deux) I’m not exactly being advised by a trusted team of medical professionals because, well, I purchased this essentially off the black market so I’m basically just freestyling with a syringe and a prayer. Buuut I have a goal of losing at least 20 more pounds and I am nothing if not goal driven. Hey Siri, has anyone ever overdosed on Ozempic? (the jury’s still out)
Also, for those of you out there who have asked me if it’s worth trying, the answer is twofold.
If your goal is to lose weight and you are unable to summon the will power to diet or exercise on your own, then this will do the trick. Not only will you physically be unable to eat without feeling violently full to the point of nausea or vomiting, but your desire for food pretty much goes away altogether.
Most days, particularly in the first few after I SHOOT UP, I actually cannot think of a single thing that I would enjoy eating. I also have been forced to drink wayyy less due to feeling full and otherwise like a human garbage disposal, so all in all, yes. If you do the math, not being able to eat or consume alcohol + vomiting = weight loss.
That being said, Ozempic is not meant for the weak. I considered sharing a sample dose with my big backed and bow legged sister, but it is just isn’t for the faint of heart. In addition to daily vomiting for the first few weeks while your body gets acclimated to the medication, you have to then permanently combat a delightful combo of violent nausea and severe acid reflux on a daily basis. Then typically, as there is nothing in your stomach, you will most likely just be throwing up putrid stomach bile that will leave you with second degree acid burns in your esophagus and mouth. And really, the list of symptoms goes on. But as Mother Theresa once said, nothing tastes as good as skinny feels, and no suffering is too great to prepare you for bikini season.
Engagement
Just kidding! Obviously.
Well, I’ve rambled on far too long. Talk soon loves! Send this around so I can quit my job xoxoxxo
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Wine and Zoloft 
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