What’s up you fugly sluts. Happy Wednesday! I just wanted to hop on here because I miss yall and also because I have a lot of thoughts just buzzzzing around in my head with no one to share them with all day because I don’t talk to anyone in my office because I have what some may call a divisive personality and it typically takes a little time for people to warm up to me and vice versa. Whew, talk about a run on sentence.
Now, I know what all of you are thinking to yourselves. But Rachel, you have such an incredible sense of humor and chutzpa for days, how could people NOT like you? Well Cheryl, I have been told that it’s because I have resting bitch face and some people may interpret my shyness as being rude and or standoff-ish. But really, I’m just insecure due to childhood trauma and I’m aware I have a distinct sense of humor that doesn’t necessarily gel with the general public, so it’s easier if I keep my mouth shut until I can win them over with my huge tits and heart of gold.
For example, today one of the girls in the office passed me and said “I love that color!” (in reference to the green jumpsuit that I’m wearing) and for some reason I thought that she said I love that coat, despite the fact that I’m wearing a black fuzzy Patagonia I’ve had for over a decade now. So instead of just accepting the compliment regardless like a normal person, I responded back by going on a 5-minute-long tirade complete with theatrical hand gestures about how cold it is in the office and that I feel like my nipples could cut glass, so I have to walk around all day with the coat on like were in Siberian Russia. Aaaand then I randomly stopped mid-sentence once my brain registered what she actually said and I said “oh, you like the COLOR, yeah I LOVE GREEN” and by then the smile slowly but surely faded from her face and I just sort of side shimmied away while she stood there looking flabbergasted.
N.e.wayyyy, there’s lots to discuss and unfortunately, lots going on in this world. And no, I am not going to comment on the Israel Palestine situation because unlike some of you who I have had the great misfortune of going to high school with, I do not suddenly think that I am an expert in foreign affairs and policy. And more importantly, I am not naïve enough to believe that anyone values my opinion on any topics that truly matter in the world. Like, AOC isn’t calling either one of us up for advice any time soon, so how about you take a second and log out of Twitter and clock into your hourly wage job so you can afford to keep your lights on this month. The only thing I will say about the whole issue is that what’s happening is serious and devastating and will require more than your social media performatism to reach a solution. It didn’t work with #STOPKONY2012. It’s not going to work here.
Sooo putting that aside, and speaking like the true narcissist that I am, let’s start with talking about me and then we can briefly segway to talking about things that matter less (not me). I just want to take a second to shoutout to all my girliepops out there struggling with anxiety because it certainly has been hitting me like a ton of bricks lately.
Anxiety has unfortunately become one of those psychology buzzwords that people insist on misusing and misdiagnosing on social media (for example, now all of a sudden everyone is autistic of has ADHD. And now we have to hear everyday nO oNe UnDeRstaNDS hOw hArD hAllOWeenN Is fOR pEOPle StrUggLIng wITHh AdHd. God, can’t you fucking people enjoy ANYTHING. And guess what? You’re not autistic because you don’t like loud noises, Amanda. Go take a long walk off a short pier.)
Anyway, I have struggled with crippling anxiety for most of my life, as far back as I can remember. When I was around 6 or 7 years old, every single night for a year I would think my throat was closing (for reasons unspecified and unknown) and I would pace around back and forth with a handmirror examining my tonsils convinced that the end was near. Of course, Wine and Zoloft have done a great deal to combat the symptoms of my anxiety, but much like Mount Vesuvius and my sex drive, it still lies dormant waiting for its moment to strike.
Someone once told me that anxiety is your brain wanting to do something, and because you aren’t physically acting on whatever it is, it causes some sort of cognitive dissonance within you which creates a feeling of nervousness and general unease. Well, short of throwing myself off a fucking cliff I don’t particularly want to do anything at all, so I am just now realizing that person was wrong and also probably an idiot. Go figure. Anyway, I know that anxiety can feel very different for different people, so I am just going to try to explain how it feels to me in the best way that I can because once again, I cannot afford a therapist until my health insurance kicks in December 1.
So basically, I’m going to do what I hate when people do and that is speak in metaphors.
Metaphor #1: My anxiety has always felt like when you’re in one of those school gymnasiums with the super shiny waxy floors (like the one from the ghetto middle school I went to because my parents didn’t care enough to invest in my education and future) and your aggressively masculine gym teacher gives you those flat scooters with four wheels to ride around on because she doesn’t feel like forcing you all to play dodgeball that day. So you get super excited and run as fast as you can for as long as you can while holding the scooter on both sides, and then you finally jump on top of the scooter and sit down on it criss cross applesauce ready for the ride of your life and then you realize two or more of the wheels are missing and you slam down so hard against the waxy floor almost severing the tips of your fingers, and then the remaining wheels start screeeetching like nails on a chalkboard and borderline sparking while you’re just trying to hold on for dear life and not spiral completely out of control.
Metaphor #2: Anxiety for me also feels a lot like when you’re on one of those alien spaceship carnival rides that you come across at your towns local fair, where you walk on and the lights are down low and you have to lay against the wall next to a bunch of strangers and your friend Natalie. And then suddenly the door closes behind you and the spaceship starts whirling around at seemingly inhumna speed and you stick to the wall. And then you struggle with everything you can muster to lift your head so that you can look over at your friend Natalie and see if she’s finding this experience equally as terrifying as you do, but no matter what you do you just can’t seem to find the strength to lift it? And then when you finally are able to AT LEAST turn your head to the side, you’re suddenly consumed with overwhelming nausea and dizziness and you just want to get off the ride but you can’t because the fucking 16 year old carnie running it is fingering his anime girlfriend instead of paying attention?
Yeah. So Its Like that for me. Everyday. Are you all still with me? No? Okay, I’ll cut this one short for now because it’s getting late and I have a scooter to buy. Bye!
#anxiety #depression #mentalhealth #israel #palestine #stopkony #kony2012 #socialmedia #gym #school #middleschool #highschool #newblog #girlblog #girlmath #trending #currentevents #middleeast #trauma #office #humor #style #awkward #friends #AOC #X
Wine and Zoloft 
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