Happy New Year

Hello everyone. It’s me, your girl, coming to you live from having my head inside of the toilet for the past 45 minutes because of the Ozempic that I’m on.

It’s the holiday season so as I’m sure you can imagine, tensions are HIGH and in the past 20 minutes I have :

1. Looked up red wigs on Amazon because I’ve always secretly thought that brown hair was holding me back. Unfortunately I don’t know how I would be able to dispel the nervous breakdown rumors that would inevitably follow if I just started  showing up places with a red wig on, so, I decided to pump the brakes on that one.
2. Considered (as a way to scare some sense into my boyfriend because he said he’d be home at five and it’s now a crisp 8 PM and he stayed at work watching a “soccer game”) perhaps dumping out a bottle of pills next to me and laying on the floor when I when I hear him coming and  just letting him garner from that what he may and maybe then we’d just all learn an important lesson about being on time.

Anyway, let’s dive into what’s been new with your favorite basket case (me).

Office Etiquette:

Workplace etiquette is a dicey topic no matter which way you slice it, and I stand by the fact that it depends on where you work. For example, if you are working in perhaps a trauma center you don’t necessarily have the time to be chopping it up and shooting the shit over a matcha latte with oat milk. However, as I’ve had to remind many, many coworkers in the past, we work in PR not the ER so how about you take fucking 5 and relax Melissa.

Anyway, I sit in the back of the office on what I guess one would refer to as an “island”. When I first started there was a lovely young Jewish boy named Dayne with a Y that sat next to me on said island and occasionally spoke to me, but unfortunately he got fired shortly into my tenure (which I I personally think is bordering on anti-semitic in this climate, but I’ll let it slide) After he left the building both figuratively and literally, I was left on the island with just one other lifeline, a deeply aggressive coworker named Borian. I believe Borian works on the construction side of my company as some sort of project manager (?) and he is constantly angry, constantly yelling at people on the phone in our 100% open office space, and just generally seems to be mad at the world for no particular reason. On the one hand it’s like, great, I’m glad you’re passionate about something (not to mention he’s kind of hot but in like an Eastern European way) but on the other hand do I need to hear you verbally BERATING some employee at Home Depot at 9 o’clock in the morning? No, I don’t.

The point is, now that I’ve been working at my job for 3 1/2 months and he has not uttered so much as a single word, I’ve come to the realization that the balls in my court. So, as an icebreaker, I worked up every ounce of courage I could and made the grave mistake of asking to borrow his phone charger. After pretending not to hear me and after repeating the request thrice at escalating volume, Borian looked over at me absolutely AGHAST.

He looked at the headphones and back towards me, giving me a once over as if I was branded with the fucking scarlet letter. Then, instead of replying with actual words, he begrudgingly handed me the headphones with a stiffness reminiscent of the Tinman.  Strike one for Borian.

Later that day, emboldened by the futility of my own efforts and the fact that we would have to see each other later that very evening at the company Christmas party, I decided to try again.

“Hey Borian..” Silence.

“HEY BORIAN!!!!” I said at an alarmingly high pitch. “Are you going to the Christmas party tonight?” I continued.

Without looking up from his phone, Borian replied flatly, “Yeah, it’s tonight.”

“No, I know it’s tonight,” I said.  Then nothing. That was it. No eye contact, just continued on with what he was doing with the calmness of Hannibal Lecter. Strike two for Borian. And believe me when I say, there won’t be a strike three. Because I will not be making any future attempts at small talk.

Still, a wise man once said, three words is better than none and a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush or something. And maybe Dorian’s on to something here. Maybe he’s realized that like the bird in the bush, it is better to be content with that you have than to risk losing everything. Maybe, he fears, that if he opens up the door and says hello once he’d be doomed for the rest of eternity with having to greet me when I cruise into the office 29 minutes late with six beverages and a bad attitude. And then who knows? He might even have to say goodbye too. The horror.

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun:

Occasionally, when I can feel the last glimmer of hope leaving my eyes, I decide that it’s time to recapture my youth and hit the town. Because I’m young, I’m spry, and frankly I’m a hot bitch with big tits looking for action.

On such occasions I’ll go down to my boyfriend’s restaurant by day, bar by night, club by blunt force trauma, and I’ll typically go when there’s an event and things are really popping off. On this particular evening, I decided it was high time to reassert my dominance and arrived with a friend at a cool 1045 ready to kick it up for an hour before retreating back to my living room.

As I made my way down the street I was forced into a dead stop, blocked in on all sides by a street brawl of no less than 40 people. I sat, absolutely dumbfounded, waving my arms back and forth trying to capture the attention of one of the participants. A fellow onlooker who was perched on top of a parked car looked over at me in dismay, and signaled for me to roll down my window.

“You need to wait,” he said, clearly not wanting me to interrupt the live action WWE Smackdown RAW he was enjoying.

I looked at him in disbelief, and turned my car engine off. Then I sat for another five minutes, while there were literal STREET YOUTHS diving over my windshield at each other. At one point, one individual picked up a large traffic cone and cascaded it through the air. Clearly not satisfied, he then began trying to pick up pieces of a brick wall that had been demolished during construction of the building next door. This apparently served as the last straw, and security intervened to break up the brawl.

Once I was finally able to park, I went inside, got a LARGE drink, and went back outside to smoke my evening cigarette. I had barely so much as pulled a Camel Blue out of my bag when one of the gentlemen who was getting the absolute shit kicked out of him ten minutes prior returned back with five of his boyzz, two of which were wearing Pooh Shiesty masks.  And for a brief moment I respected him, because he really said you’re not about to clown me today and he proceeded to pick up where the altercation left off down the street past my purview.

Over the course of the night, several other micro transgressions had broken out and I tried my best to steer clear of all of them. Finally, towards the end of the evening, a patron (or I suppose technically an aspiring patron) was denied access at the door by the bouncers. He did not take this well. What happened next I cannot even begin to describe, but let’s just say at one point one of the bouncers was being curb stopped on the cement pavement repeatedly.

Upon seeing this, his brothers in arms attempted to intervene and from where I was standing it looked almost like a Latin American Renaissance painting. As if that were not enough, one of the bouncers family members who was apparently lying in wait nearby came charging out of the bushes like a Hispanic Avenger. (El Aventuro? Nope just Googled it, apparently its El Vengador which isn’t much better) As I watched him tear his shirt off with reckless abandon and beg literally anyone who would listen to fight him, I looked over at my friends and sighed.

“We need to wrap it the fuck up,” I said. And they just stared on in disbelief as the final nail in the coffin of my youth hammered in along with the bouncers face.

Well that’s all for now. And I apologize for not writing here more (if anyone cares) but I have been working on some exciting things (!!!!) that will be coming in 2024. Stay tuned xooxoxo

#holidayseason #happynewyear #officeetiquette #girlsnight #party #newyearseve