Wine and Zoloft

Heyy. How bout them Yankees? I hope you’re all doing well because for me, the hits just keep on coming.

Yesterday I decided to go and view a condo in person against my better judgement. When I arrived to the location, which could only be described as “at the corner of rape and regret”, I was greeted by a woman wearing a SpongeBob tank top and shower cap, and was cradling her newborn son in a rather aggressive manner. She had also apparently been told by the relator to come check out the property, and gave me a look to suggest that she had been waiting there for quite some time. 

I texted the relator who I had not had the privilege of meeting in person prior to let him know that I had arrived, and he texted me back immediately saying, “Yea. Coming.” As if I was burdening him in some way.  

After ten minutes of awkward silence the relator pulled up in a Toyota Camry that, to put it mildly, looked like it had seen better days. He had a thick and indecipherable accent and introduced himself as Klous. I extended my hand for a handshake, which was met by an extremely uncomfortable glance, and then ignored altogether.

“Vuuud you two mind if vee do theee tour together at the same time?” he asked after I put my hand back down at my side. I can say with some degree of certainty that this is not typical real estate practice, but based on the size and mammoth-like girth of Klous it seemed that asking him to provide two tours consecutively would be a matter of life and death. 

As the three of us shuffled into a very narrow entrance that he referred to as a “hallway”, he turned around and barked, “Take of jourr shoes. No shoes in zee house!” 

He slid off his sneakers to reveal that he was not wearing socks, and made several haphazard attempts to bend down and push them to the side before giving up altogether. As he was doing so he gave us several glimpses at his “plumbers crack”, or I guess in this case it would be a “realtors crack”, and I felt myself being consumed with the all too familiar feeling of despair. The other woman and I glanced at each other, down at Klous’s bare feet, and back at one another again.

The despair deepened as the tour continued. It was not so much the overwhelming smell of weed, or even the fact that the washer and dryer were located in the kitchen next to what Klous described as a “potential breakfast nook” (an empty corner), but I drew the line after entering the bedroom and seeing that the windows were covered solely by Disney themed bedsheets. I know that this was simply a decorating choice by the previous owners and not necessarily conducive to the state of the apartment, but it struck me as a bad sign.

“And zerr is a lot of storage space. Zisss is also zee storage,” he said while opening a small door to a crawl space next to the bed. As it opened a clock fell out and smashed on to the ground, which he made no attempt at picking back up. “Oh, ze watch fell.” he huffed before slamming the door shut. 

As I drove home I began talking myself down off the ledge. I was confident enough in my decorating ability from the hours I’ve spent on pinterest in the past weeks searching “art deco midcentury modern interiors” that I could turn that house into a home. Also, I was really getting down to the wire time wise and running out of other options. 

I texted Klous to inform him that I was interested in the property, which was met with the enthusiastic response, “Ok.” I then reminded him for the third time that I had two dogs. He requested photos of both dogs and I spent the next twenty minutes searching for pictures of my little angel babies smiling and looking as far from being pit bulls as humanly possible. After being left on read for quite some time, he answered back, “Sorry, no.”

In short, I’m now being turned down from places that I’m not even remotely interested in.   

Lets seeeee what else. Oh, I’ve also decided as a little passion project of mine and a way to make some extra cash I’m going to be selling off my current home’s furniture and valuables on EBay and Facebook market place. So, if you see me out on my front lawn hocking Madame Alexander dolls or porcelain ash trays in the shape of a Thanksgiving turkey please mind your business. 

I also know no one seems to be interested in this topic but me, but they announced the new lineup for Real Housewives All-stars Season 2 and it’s just the boost of serotonin I needed because it’s only day one of this fast and I already feel a preeeettty severe bout of depression coming on. (I’ve read some things online that fasting can cause mood swings which believe me is the l a s t thing I need right now) Anyway, the cast includes Queen Dorinda Medley, Queen Taylor Armstrong, Jill Zarin, Brandi Glanville, Vicki Gunvalson, and Phaedra Parks. And, ANDDDDD, it is supposed to take place at the ICONIC Blue Stone Manor. I can truly hardly contain my excitement and I can literally hear the women screaming at each other already. 

Well, I’m going to have to cut this short because I have very serious political duties to attend to but don’t be surprised if the next time you all hear from me I’m writing this blog from inside a storage space that I’ve moved into with whatever I couldn’t sell for profit.

#realestate #bravo #househunting #interiordesign #decor #ebay #facebook #profit #allstars #dorinda