Happy Anniversary!

Hi!!! Today is a special day. And do you know why? According to an annual bill I received this morning from the web provider I use, today is the one-year anniversary of Wine and Zoloft. Now, have I risen to international fame, received a book deal, or garnered anything bordering on critical acclaim as a result of this blog? No. But, my sisters coworkers friends sister came up to me at an event last week and told me she “loves my stories.. what is it called? Wine and Xanax?” And honestly, what more can a girl ask for?

I have to warn you all that I am in an extremely vicious mood and I’m not entirely sure why, which means I’ll be taking it out on everyone else. So what have we learned in this past year? What has changed? Why, despite pledging to start a diet and exercise regime a year ago today, am I somehow five pounds heavier?

First things first, last night I was watching the movie Ghost on Netflix, and became absolutely IRATE at the fact that people decades later still consider the whole clay spinning scene to be iconically sexy. I took ceramics in high school and let me tell you, the only thing that was getting my heart pumping was the thought of throwing myself in the fucking kiln. And why does everyone from 90s movies who are supposed to be in their 20s look like their 45? I thought the government didn’t start putting human growth hormones into our food until the mid 2000’s.

Also, quick pop culture Segway here but it simply cannot go unignored. Kim Kardashian and Pete Davidson?! Don’t get me wrong, I’m obsessed with him and would def ride his face into the sunset but I just don’t know how that dynamic works. Doesn’t he like, live in his mom’s basement in Staten Island? Does she go over there, lay on his stained futon in her terrycloth SKIMS and Yeezys, and watch Family Guy reruns while he smokes weed? The math isn’t mathing here.

Also (part duex) I know I’m a little late to this one but that whole Travis Scott Astroworld concert disaster. At first, I genuinely did not understand why people were holding him personally responsible for the rioting that resulted in the deaths of several people. However, after viewing several videos from the event in which people were pleading with him to stop performing so that the crowd would calm down and him outright refusing even as people were getting carried away in stretchers….meh. And then Kylie Jenner posting from the crowd (and by from the crowd I mean safely in VIP surrounded by iron-clad security) the ambulances trying (and failing) to make their way through to save people’s lives..and then taking it down later once she realized the severity of the situation.. only to put out a statement denying that she was aware of it. Come on honey I know Kris Jenner raised you to be smarter than that. ALSO, what REALLY pissed me off is when Travis got on Instagram live and started rubbing his head over and over like he was in a fucking migraine medication commercial and fake crying about the situation without even a semblance of a tear. If anyone knows what a lying man looks like, IT’S ME. Then, THEN !! he partners with TalkSpace or some other online therapy format to “promote mental health” for anyone who witnessed one of their friends or loved ones trampled to death at his concert. Mind you, by “partnering” he is being paid to promote the service and is accruing a profit from the death of his fans. So like, no. I think I last read that the total he was being sued for by an innumerous amount of people/organizations has reached nearly 2 billion dollars so I feel the most important thing to take away from this is that it looks like Stormis going to have to go to public school once all this is over. Rise and shine bitch.

Anyway, more about me. After a few close calls and an appointment with a fertility specialist who informed me that contrary to my own belief I am not, in fact, infertile, I have decided to do what any rational woman in their mid-twenties would do. Go on birth control. I was once before on birth control for a very brief time when I first started having sex (many many moons ago) and I just wasn’t feeling it. First of all, anyone who knows me knows that I simply cannot afford any more hormonal mood swings than I already have. I don’t need something chemically altering my emotions because I’m already one hop jump and a skip away from climbing a clocktower in a fucking clown suit. Also, and perhaps most importantly, I do not, will not, and can not, gain any more weight. I know people say iTss a MyThH BiRtHcOntRooll doOESnT MakE yOu GaIn wEIgHT. Well, I beg to differ. And in the spirit of body positivity and not getting “cancelled” I’m going to leave it at that.

So, what’s a girl to do? What are the other options? As it turns out, there are a bunch. There’s that thing that goes in your arm that Vanessa Hudgens is hocking in those god fucking awful commericals (I believe it’s called Nexplanon), which I will again be avoiding due to the aforementioned weight gain issue. There’s a chemical called ”spermicide” that you put in your hoo-ha which is a concept I still just cannot wrap my head around. Are you supposed to put it in before you have sex? After you have sex? How are you supposed to know when you’re about to have sex? Do these people have some sort of sex calendar? And even if you do know you’re about to have sex and you go to the bathroom and smear that genetically engineered carcinogen ridden substance up there, is it going to make your vagina taste like a chemical plant? Because that just doesn’t sound like a win for anybody. Anyway, I’ve landed on the IUD option which for those of you who are blissfully unaware is the little T thing they shove up in your uterus that basically temporarily sterilizes you. I think there are multiple types but the most appealing one (for me) is the copper one which has no hormones. Atleast, that’s what I thought, until I made the ill-fated decision of googling side effects and found out that it can cause extreme pain and cramping from the time of insertion and it can last about 3 months. Is this our fucking options here as women? Either be fat and moody or writhing in agony? WHERE’S THE JUSTICE? RUTH BADER GINSBURG DIDN’T DIE FOR THIS.

And, while I’m at it, you know what else the Notorious RBG didn’t die for? For me to get a job offer from an online celeb news source that pays $10 per 400-500 word article with a .40 cents her 1000 views “bonus”. What in the Soviet Union Gulag bullshit is that? Looks like for now, I’ll be remaining in city government until I can get some offers that won’t require me to survive solely on government cheese and my tears.

Hmm lets see… anything else? I know no one cares about this but I finallybit the bullet and coughed up the $4.99 for a peacock subscription to watch Real Housewives Ultimate Girls Trip and it’s genuinely A+  TV. It’s super well shot, the dynamics are INCREDIBLe, Ramona Singer is a MONSTER, I want Mauricio to do anything and everything you can possibly imagine to my body, and I’m super disappointed because I feel like the show’s not getting the hype it deserves. The cheese may stand alone on this one but I really can’t get into the whole Real Housewives of Salt Lake City thing. Other than Mary Cosby who’s clearly just off her rocker the whole cast seems a little try-hard and I cant with Meredith Marks throwing out therapy buzz words every 30 seconds. I know people who do that in real life and guess what? They need therapy more than anyone.

#anniversary #petedavidson #kimkardashian #kyliejenner #travisscott #astroworld #realhousewives #RHOSLC #RHUGT #RamonaSinger #justice #birthcontrol #weightgain #hormonal #depression #ghost #IUD #sex

One response to “Happy Anniversary!”

  1. And again. I don’t read. Let alone laugh when I read but I stop EVERYTHING I am doing when I get the new blog email…..

    If anyone knows what a lying man looks like. Hahahahah

    Rise and shine bitch. Hahahaha

    I can’t …..

    Laying in her skims on his futon. You need to have a stand up comedy show or better yet…. Write for SNL…. And then, just then, you can ride his face.

    RACHEL!!!! I thought Jess was one of my fave and funniest people but you are def placing close second. (Naturally you arent happy with 2nd place – but neither will Jess be. So let’s call it a tie…) 😉

    Great blog. As always. And use that for a review. Hahahah

    I don’t read but I’m so obsessed with this!

    Sent from my iPhone Excuse any typos!


    Liked by 1 person

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