Virgo Season, Not Blowjob Season

Hi everyone! Hope you’re all doing well. Or, at the very least, better than me. As we enter my favorite season, Virgo season, we are on the precipice of the very date which I was dragged into this world kicking and screaming. And as my birthday looms around the corner, I’ve decided to give you all a special gift from me. The gift that keeps on giving. My commentary on some pop culture trending topics.

Leonardo DiCaprio Won’t Date Anyone above 25

In case you’ve been living under a rock for the past week and haven’t seen the approx. 40,000 memes that have been made, Leonardo DiCaprio refuses to date any woman above the age of 25. He recently broke up with Camilla-Whatever-Her-Name-Is shortly after her 25th birthday, and according to People Magazine, “Morrone is now the fourth woman to stop dating DiCaprio shortly after her 25th birthday. DiCaprio, 47, has never publicly dated anyone older than a quarter-century.” And in case you (for whatever reason) are invested enough in this story to bother to question its validity, please see the fucking bar graph below.

Yawn. While it is amusing to picture Leo kicking these supermodels off of his private jet on their 26th birthday in the same manner which we’re kicked off our parent’s health insurance, I don’t actually think this is a conscious decision on his part. However, as Leo’s age continues to rise like water on the Titanic, it does beg the question- how much longer is he going to keep this up? How much can a 50-year-old man possibly have in common with someone who doesn’t remember where they were when Britney and Justin broke up?

Gen Z’ers are “Choosing Sobriety”, apparently not “Choosing Blowjobs”

For some very odd reason, videos of woke Gen Z’ers with pierced eyebrows, purple hair, and a bad attitude frequently end up on my For You page on Tiktok. I’m not sure who I have to blow at Tiktok Headquarters to have these excluded from my algorithm, but in the meantime, here are two very important (albeit perplexing) things that I’ve learned.

  1. The Gen Z generation are making a pledge to stay sober. And unlike the pledge of so many Disney Stars from generations before (remember when Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers wore purity rings and claimed they weren’t having sex until marriage? Because I do.) it looks like they’re actually following through with their promise.

In one particular article, some fucking stick-in-the-mud dweeb was quoted saying, “OuR GenEratIoNNn hAs sOo mUcH mOrE to dO thAn juSt drInK anD tAke DrUgS.” Like fucking what? Send pictures to each other on BeReal? (which, despite having the catchphrase “Not just another social network” is LITERALLY just Snapchat) Unless you’re hopping aboard a submarine with Gretta Thunberg to fight climate change, I sincerely doubt you have many other pressing matters that are requiring your attention.

Maybe I’m romanticizing things, but some of my best memories of high school were hanging out in a field with upperclassmen drinking Crystal Palace vodka and taking one pull of a parliament cigarette someone had stolen from their mother’s purse. Isn’t that like, the whole point of your teenage years?

  • I don’t know if this is a Gen Z thing or just some disgruntled young woman with an axe to grind, but I recently came across a Tiktok saying that it’s anti-feminist to give blowjobs and we shouldn’t be getting on our knees for men. And to that I say- have you tried giving head while laying on your stomach like a sniper? Because let me tell you, it’s a real game changer. Jk. I don’t want to get too in the weeds here and my mother occasionally reads this blog after she’s polished off a few ‘tinis but when is enough enough? What’s next? We outlaw reverse cowgirling? There’s a fine for 69?

Don’t Worry Darling

The film Don’t Worry Darling starring Harry “I’m Bisexual When It’s Convenient” Styles is premiering around the globe this week. Allow me to give you a brief breakdown of the ongoing whirlpool of drama surrounding the film, which is already receiving terrible reviews from audiences and critics alike.

  • Florence Pugh, who I’ve never even heard of before this week, apparently doesn’t get along with “Actress” turned “Director” Olivia Wilde (I’m using quotations here because I can’t for the life of me come up with something she’s starred in other than the show House like ten years ago) because she disapproves of Wilde cheating on ex-husband Jason Ted Lasso Sudeikis with Harry Styles.  I’m also not a huge fan of Olivia Wilde, particularly because she’s been giving interviews talking about “The Craft of Film Making” like she’s fucking Steven Spielberg on an episode of Inside the Actors Studio but like, who the fuck is Florence Pugh? But seriously. Who. IS. She.
  • Shia LeBouef also has beef with Ms. Wilde because in one of her many long-winded mind-numbing interviews she claimed that she fired Shia to “protect her actors”. Come to find out this couldn’t be further from the truth and Shia pulled up with the recieptsssss hunty, showing that in actuality he made the decision to drop out of the project.
  • Harry Styles spit on Chris Pratt at one of the film’s premiers. I’ve watched the video several times for, umm, research and let me just say there may be some truth behind the whole bisexual thing after all because the sexual tension was FLYING.

Anyhoo, before I sign off I wanted to share with you all a quick story (in hopes that you can tell me a. if this is a normal interaction or something that truly only happens to me and b. as a subtle reminder to myself that not all advice or “tips” are always welcome) I stopped at a local fast food establishment that is very near and dear to many hearts here in Stamford. After dodging the homeless to get inside and order my Highschooler combo, I left a tip in the tip jar as I typically do to let the employees know 1. I am nothing if not a generous queen and 2. I am no stranger to the service industry. This was the interaction that followed.

“Wow, thanks so much,” muttered the cashier.

“No problem! You know, I’ve worked in restaurants for years and I know how difficult it can be at times. I was actually just saying the other day that-“

“Well, since you gave me a tip how about I give you a tip,” he said interrupted. “You have a crumb on your face.”

He stared at me with a menacing look in his eye as I scrambled to wipe the pringles dust off of my cheek and did not break eye contact as he handed me my food. And I can honestly say I have not stopped thinking about it since. Was he having a bad day? Was my four dollar tip an insult to his staunch professionalism? In the words of Cardi B, “WHAT WAS THE REASON?”

Alright that’s all I have for you today as always let me know if you’ve enjoyed and I hope you all have a blessed and blowjob free week!

#HarryStyles #OliviaWilde #FlorencePugh #LeonardoDicaprio #Virgo #VirgoSeason #GenZ #Tiktok #Sex #CamillaMorrone #DontWorryDarling #PopCulture #Bisexual #25 #September #Humor #Blog #69 #TedLasso #Actor #Movie #Server #ServiceIndustry #Trending #ForYou #Spit #Sobriety

One thought on “Virgo Season, Not Blowjob Season

  1. do you have tik tok, because…if you took one topic and made a video, like read what you typed as a video. you would be on fire!!! this kid I follow because he is so  funny about the kardashians, just got under 1 million views, was invited to kylies make up party, etc. so tik tok makes things happen based on followers, so put your words on video girl !!!!!!!!!! that leo bit is FUNNY! his age is rising like the titanic, that alone would make anyone laugh. xoxoLISA

    Like

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