Shitposting

Goooood evening everyone! You may be thinking to yourselves, wow bitch I totally forgot you write these. Well, same. But, I had initially resolved yesterday to write a blog because I assumed that I would have a great surplus of free time once the alleged Tiktok ban went into effect.

At first, I, like many dim-witted Americans, did not believe that Tiktok would ever actually “go dark” and was quite literally stunned when I received a notification at approx. 10:30 pm upon trying to open the app.

“Sorry, TikTok isn’t available right now.

A law banning TikTok has been enacted in the U.S. Unfortunately, that means you can’t use TikTok for now. We are fortunate that President Trump has indicated that he will work with us on a solution to reinstate TikTok once he takes office. Please stay tuned!”

As I frantically began texting everyone I knew asking how the U.S. Government could possibly do this to us, – how they could take away something that provides such a communal sense of joy and levity during our time of need because.. what? Something, something, Chinese taking our data, something something, threat to national security? Do one of the Tween TikTokers doing Laniege Lip Mask tutorials hold the passwords to the nuclear codes? Give me a fucking break –  I slowly began to feel the liberal white woman leaving my body. Surely, Trump would handle this. And if/when he did, I’d be willing to overlook the whole attack on women’s rights and body autonomy or whatever.

Then, lo and behold, before I even had the chance to awake from my 12-hour slumber, TikTok was up and running again. I opened my eyes and my phone at a crisp 1 pm and was met with yet another message from the TikTok Powers At Be.

“Welcome back!

Thanks for your patience and support. As a result of President Trump’s efforts, TikTok is back in the U.S.! You can continue to create, share, and discover all the things you love on TikTok.”

?????

It had not even been 14 hours. And Trump had not yet been inaugurated. And while I had seen Papa T’s Tweet or TruthSocial post or whatever saying he had just spoken to “Chairman XI Jinping of China” (?????) and discussed extremely prevalent topics such as Fentanyl and TikTok (????????) I was left with more questions than answers.

First and foremost, I’m deeeeeply unclear how exactly he was able to reverse the ban that had been voted on and passed by Congress and the House of Representatives. Just exactly what did Trump say to Chairman DXI Jinping? And more importantly, who the fuck is Chairman JinPing? And perhaps, most important of all, was this entire thing just a rouse or publicity stunt to make the younger masses feel confident that Trump is an ally and can get stuff done? And if so, why is China playing along with it? (Just realized I’m using TikTok and China interchangeably here which is unnecessary and inaccurate, but I digress)

Annnyyywayyyy, Tiktok is back which means I can continue watching 3-minute snippets of Reno 911 and The Cosby Show at my own discretion. Sounds good to me. Let’s see what else I can rant about.

I’m in my third month of unemployment and have decided to take this time to do something very meaningful and important, which is rewatch Girls on HBO. I, much like everyone else, decided long ago to unfollow Lena Dunham and pray that she went away. I think it was something to do with her writing about how she molested her younger sister when she was 7. Which is frankly just not something I could get onboard with, no matter how talented of a writer she is. However, there’s no denying that this show is absolute gold and Hannah Horvath truly was the voice of a generation.

Her whiny self-importance and unwavering belief that she is entitled to make blind observations about other people’s lives in her writing is truly like looking in a mirror.  Case in point, this scene: Girls Show Marnie Break Up | TikTok

“Marnie has to stop whining and break up with him already. Of course it’ll be painful, but she’s already in so much agony. Stuck in a prison of his kindness. Just because someone is kind, doesn’t mean that they’re right. Better to end it now, and cut off the limb, and let the stump heal. He’ll find someone else, someone that appreciates his kind of smothering love.”

Felllllllllt. Also, Hannah’s UTI saga dragged me down memory lane to a particularly traumatic incident when I also had an insanely painful UTI that just wouldn’t quit.

Circa 2014, I was visiting my friend during her freshman year at UConn and (back in the pre-TikTok days when practical advice wasn’t just a swipe away) I read online somewhere from some lunatic that if you took a bath in vinegar the symptoms would subside. However, living in a dorm, my friend did not actually have a bathtub readily available. So instead, we took a rideshare or a taxi or something to a nearby CVS and got a few gallons of pure vinegar and like, a children’s plastic sandbox and set it up in the middle of her dorm room.

This proved to be a mistake on many levels, and not just hygienically. I sat naked in the sandbox for 20 minutes essentially pickling my vagina until her morbidly obese roommate who frequently dressed in Sailor Moon cosplay showed up. And, while I immediately apologized and made a haphazard attempt to hide my labia, it was apparently too little too late. And Sailor Moon reported it to their RA and my friend had to have a whole meeting about how her unhinged friend was exposing themselves and bathing in chemicals in their shared space or whatever.

Well, I’ve managed to overshare and simultaneously discuss absolutely nothing of importance, so my work here is done. Happy scrolling, everyone.