Happy Quarantine anniversary everyone! Exactly one year ago today was the last time I blacked out mask-less at my favorite bar amidst friends and strangers without a Covid care in the world. The following day much to surprise and dismay, our governor who’s name I can never remember issued an official shut down order for non essential businesses. And just like that, in the immortal words of Drake, Nothing Was the Same. While I remember feeling scammed, hoodwinked, and bamboozled into believing that it would be nothing more a brief 2 week shut down and reset, I can’t help but feel overly nostalgic about the initial months of quarantine. Discovering Tiktok. Taking up new artistic hobbies. The sheer panic inducing existential dread of the unknown. What I wouldn’t trade to go back.
As the world prepares to open up in it’s entirety far earlier than I planned or am prepared for, I decided a great way for me to take my mind off things would be to focus on some buzz worthy news stories that effect my own life in no way. Let’s dive in.
I acknowledge I’m a little late to the party here but I would be remiss if I didn’t at least touch upon the Oprah Winfrey Megan Markle interview which no one has been able to shut the hell up about since last Sunday. I have to admit that I did not actually watch the full two hour interview because I was somewhere at the bottom of a bottle at the time but I have seen a few of the clips and here’s all I’m going to say. My great great great grandfather did not (probably) fight in the revolutionary war for us to still have to give a shit about the royal family. And speaking of our ancestors, it’s honestly time for The Firm or The Institution or The Cat in The Hat or whoever the fuck it is to stop trotting out the reanimated corpse of Prince Phillip. The man is 99 years old, why are you still putting him through extensive heart surgeries? It’s time to let sleeping dogs lie.
This one has also been taking over the airwaves this past week for reasons unbeknownst to me. According to something called “GlowUp University” which Google makes sure to highlight is shockingly NOT an accredited institution, GenZ has spoken. Skinnny jeans and side parts are out, middle parts and baggy bootcut jeans are in. May we all bow our heads in shame. Once again, I’m going to make my opinions on this matter swift and to the point. I don’t give a flying fuck what some 17 year old from Des Moines Iowa named Oaklynn or Journi thinks is cool. Wearing my hair with a center part makes me look like one of the founding fathers and I’m not doing it. Call me in a couple years when your curtain bangs go out of style and you’ve had the glow of youth stomped out of you.
A-Rod and Jlo’s possible break-up. File this one under.. not surprised. I actually had no idea that the entire world was stannnning this couple so hard and the bombardment of memes calling her the Lord of the Rings or whatever because of her prior engagements seems a bit excessive. I’m actually a pretty big Jennifer Lopez fan and not just because I’ve dated someone who looks remarkably similar to Marc Anthony. Anyhoo, I’m preeeetty positive that he got caught red handed sneaky linking with some southern charm star not too long ago so I figured that relationship wouldn’t be long for this world. Can’t wait to see who she dates next. Maybe Kanye?
Finally, thanks to “money bagg Joe”, our president who I find myself strangely becoming more and more sexually attracted to by the day, STIMcomeetax szn is upon us. So, if you see me in the streets acting brand new or trolling Groupon for a brazilian buttlift 360 lipo package discount just keep it moving.
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