Hey. Hope you’re all strapped in. It’s been a whirlwind.
I realize that I haven’t been following through on yet another one of my goals for 2021 which was to post a blog every week. But, unlike the continuing expansion of my waist line, this one truly isn’t my fault.
I believe I mentioned in my last blog post that I went on two promising interviews. The first, which was a contributor for Life and Style and Intouch magazine, didn’t work out. Shockingly enough, I think they deemed my particular writing style to be too off-brand for the wholesome celebrity news conglomerate that they’ve built. I also may have mentioned during the interview process that dedicating an entire article to Kylie Jenner’s “steamiest quarantine looks” was not “in- touch”, but was in fact out of touch with reality- which I’m sure did not help my position as an applicant.
The second job, which I was offered and subsequently accepted, is an assistant to the CEO of a film company that is coming out with a documentary on the pandemic. It’s been quite the adjustment to say the least. Not only has that been eating up a lot of my otherwise boundless free-time, but it’s caused me to become increasingly concerned for my health. I find myself shooting awake at night in fear that I’ve missed yet another impromptu phone call from my boss, who can only be described as an Ari from entourage/Al Roker hybrid, and also I’m pretty sure clumps of my hair have been falling out more frequently in the shower. Some people just aren’t cut out for the business world.
There is, unfortunately, another aspect of my life which has been encroaching on my leisurely schedule. And I’m sure many of you have heard about it. Without naming any names, a certain Nancy Drew wannabee thought they were on the fucking case and took to the most reputable news outfit they could find, Facebook, to make ceeeertainn outlandish claims about a Bar we all know and (kind of) love. For those of you who remain blissfully unaware, there have been rumors floating around that the bartenders of the establishment which I work for are spiking the drinks. As the person who actually bartends four nights of the week, let me just say this. If I had drugs, by no means, by no semblance of the imagination, would I waste them on the customers who have seemingly made it their PERSONAL MISSION to make my life a living hell during brunch. Sharing is caring, and trust and believe I don’t care about any one of you. Also news flash Karen, you’re blacked the fuck out because you had one and a half Bloody Mary’s, seven mimosas, and two Casamigos shots. Take it up with the fact that you probably never went to college and therefor never got the chance to build up your alcohol tolerance.
While it may sound like I’m being harsh, being accused of being at the helm of a criminal enterprise is honestly exhausting. I’ve had to personally field several phone calls from concerned patrons, and was verbally attacked the other night by a rogue passerby with far too much time on his hands. He stormed in, demanded to see who was “BEHIND THE BAR GIVING PEOPLE BENZOS”, and when I politely told him to get the fuck out, he began screaming incoherently about date rape drugs in front of a nice family trying to enjoy their tuna tartare.
Let’s see.. what else. I finally scheduled my real estate test just in time for the inevitable collapse of the market so that’ll be great. Honestly, I watched one season of Selling Sunset six months ago and decided it was my destiny to be a fucking real estate tycoon, so I have no one to blame but myself. Regardless, I’ve come this far so I might as well see it through to the end. I also needed to get a new phone and had to struggle with the people working at T-mobile in the mall, and it really did a number on my already fragile psyche. I can’t bare to go into the details of the actual encounter but just know that I first called the store to ask a simple question and an employee answered “Hello?” and I said “Hello?” and he said “Yeah?” and I said “I’m sorry, is this T-mobile?” and he said “Oh yeah sorry I was expecting a call what’s up?” On the corporate company phone. Honestly, I just don’t know how much more of this world I can take. I’m exhausted even typing this.
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