Catch flights not feelings.

Hello all. I’m currently flying down to nature’s resting home, otherwise known as Naples Florida. I’m actually writing this on my notes app on my cellphone in a last ditch attempt not to lose my fucking mind on the people sitting in front of me who have NOT SHUT THE HELL UP FOR ONE SINGULAR SECOND the ENTIRE DURATION of this flight. I have always felt that people who insist on making friends while traveling should probably look inward to figure out the root of their neediness and desperation. Probably some sort of abandonment from their childhood, but that’s neither here nor there. Anyway, from what I can deduce from their conversation which I’ve had the pleasure of listening to for the past hour and a half, shes  a rich old woman from Greenwich and her sons a writer (semi debating asking her to pass along a photo of me and my number. Judging by her whooping cough, that inheritance is going to be coming sooner rather than later) and the other COMPLETE STRANGER has a lot of important opinions he is compelled to share.  The overhead light is also glistening off his bald head directly into my eyes and I’ve just had enough at this point.

I’m willing to admit that I’m a bitttt grouchier than usual for a number of reasons not having to do with the fucking dynamic duo sitting in front of me. First of all, last night (coincidentally on the eve of having to take a 6 am flight) I got drunker than I have been in quite some time. And that’s really Saying something. This was probably some subconscious form self sabotage, but Regardless I woke up at 4:55 still drunk and said you know what absolutely not. Naturally, I then had to get on the phone with the people at Jetblue and beg them to put me on a later flight and let me just tell you they’re not the sharpest knives in the drawer over there.
To add insult to injury I then had to have my father drive me for fear of missing yet another flight, and he ALSO seemed to have the gift of gab. At one point he started blaring a rock song that repeated “jereeemmmyyy spokeeee in classs today” over and over and turned to me with a huge grin on his face.

“This songs great. You know what it’s about?”

“No idea,” I said while debating opening the car door and flinging myself onto the Meerut parkway.

“It’s about a kid in school who went to the front of the class one day and put a gun in his mouth and shot himself.” And I honestly couldn’t find the words to respond at that point.

I’m also not particularly thrilled about going to Florida to visit my mother, not only because she’s extremely high strung (that’s putting it mildly) but because the average age in Naples is about 87. And it’s not a youthful 87. Some of these people I’ve seen around the pool look like they have one foot in the grave and another on a banana peel.

Anyway, I finally got a real job that doesn’t require me to meet my boss at a Sheraton hotel in the middle of the day for reasons that still remain unspecified , and it’s a shockingly good one. I don’t want to jinx it so I’m going to wait until I officially start before I tell people, but I went in for a training day on Wednesday and it wasn’t the worst thing in the world. Except, and this is a big except, the fact that I was accosted at the front desk at a CRISP nine a.m.

“Three times in one week, wow you must love it here!” The front desk guy said at a decibel that can only be described as deafening.

“Yeah, I’m gonna be working here.”

“Okay before I let you up I just have to make a call.” What happened next I’m almost certain was some sort of comedic sketch he had been working on in his spare time. He picked up the phone and in a hushed voice, while remaining DIRECT eye contact, said “Shes here. I know. She needs to know. I’m going to have to warn her. I guess she’ll have get used to it.”

After he hung up (presumably with no one) he said “ I just have to warn you about the elevator.”

“What?”

“You have to be careful.” My patience was already wearing thin at this point and if I was going to be mugged in an elevator I’d rather just get it over with.

“Okay what is it?” I asked.

He looked over both his shoulders, motioned for me to come closer, and said “Around the fourth floor… there’s ninjas. They can be pretty sneaky. Then.. as you get up to the ninth..” he took a long pause to really BUILD the anticipation and then said “poisonous gas. I’ve been here a while so I’ve built up an immunity. Maybe you will too. But the ninjas-“

I was already half way in the elevator at this point and decided it would be better for both of us if I cut him off mid monologue. “Yeah nice to meet you, I’ll keep an eye out.” And that was how I started my first day.

#flight #vacation #flying #jetblue #dating #diet #wine #hangover #tired #florida #naples #mom

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