Goooood morning everyone. It’s 9:52 a.m. and I’m fucking spiraling. First things first. As anyone out there who takes melatonin to sleep is well aware, it typically causes some prettttty vivid nightmares. However, the dreams that I had last night were so fucked up and graphic I think that it’s best if I lay off the gummies entirely going forward. Due to my lofty interior design aspirations, I truly can’t afford a hefty therapy bill right now.
Anyway, after lying awake shaking with anxiety from traveling to seemingly the darkest corners of my mind, I decided to get up early and get a jump start on my work day. This was promptly interrupted from the moment I sat down by yet another call from my buildings leasing office saying the “maintenance crew” were at my door to make repairs. The conversation went like this:
“I’m sorry, I wasn’t informed anyone would be coming today.”
“Ummmmmm, are you saying you weren’t informed anyone would be coming today?”
**Deep guttural sign** “Yes. That’s what I’m saying.”
“I can be there in ten minutes to let them in.”
“Ummmmmmm, sorry, they can’t really wait. They’ll start with other apartments and then go to yours.”
“Okay, could you let me know when they’re going to my apartment so I can leave work?”
“Ummmmmmm, no, sorry they don’t typically stop back at the office.”
“Okay, could you give them my number so they can call me directly?”
“Ummmmmmmm, no. I don’t think they can do that.”
“Do they not have phones?”
This conversation went on for several minutes.
Anyhoo, I’m sure we’re all tired of hearing me complain about my apartment woes (I certainly am), so I’m going to spend the remainder of this blog delving into the many questions that have been on my mind lately.
- Seasonal Depression
Before anyone starts, I know that Seasonal Affective Disorder is a medically diagnosed condition and more than 3 million people suffer from it annually and blahblahblah.
Over the past few weeks, I’ve had three of my friends say that they’re suffering from seveeeere seasonal depression and it’s really been effecting them. And I’m not bringing this up to be insensitive, trust me, I get it. I’m S.A.D. all fucking yearlong no matter what the weather is.
My issue is, and this is probably the most basic thing about me, but I fucking love fall. I want it all. The pumpkin cinnamon candles that for some reason cost $19.99 at Homegoods. The crisp cold air and colorful leaves falling down around me while my pitbulls drag me into oncoming traffic during their evening walk. This time of year literally, and metaphorically, makes my nipples hard.
I did a light Google search on it because I’m nothing if not a professional journalist but I guess it’s something to do with the gradual decrease in daylight from the sun setting earlier which in turn “saps your energy” and makes you feel “moody”, which explains that episode of Broad City where Ilana wrapped herself in aluminum foil and stood in front of her “SAD” lamp and also why my friends have been acting extra cunty lately.
2. “Big Girl Coochie”
I consider Cardi B to be not just a rapper, but somewhat of a prophet. That’s why her repeated references to larger women and their sexual prowess ( “Teach me about big girl coochie-“ Rumors Lizzo Ft. Cardi B, “Pussy still wet like a big bitch” – Clout Offset Ft. Cardi B) makes me wonder if she’s on to something here. I think I remember a scene from Euphoria where one of the 28 year olds playing a 16 year old said “Fat girls give the best head”, but that’s the only other supporting evidence I have on the matter. Anyway, is it true? And if so, why?
3. Water Brands- To Dasani, or not to Dasani?
I’ve had this conversation with many people and there seems to be a general consensus that certain water brands are better than others. For instance, I was drinking a bottle of Poland Spring once at work and a coworker came up to me and said “Who’s drinking broke?” I also can attest to the fact that Bowl and Basket, the Grade A brand of water, is today’s equivalent of drinking lake water on the Oregon Trail. They both give you dysentery.
My question is, what’s the best brand of water? I think if I personally had to choose it would be Smart Water. Many people I know would choose Essentia, but the greyish black label and the fact that I don’t know what the fuck alkaline means gives me anxiety and prohibits me from enjoying the water. There’s also Life Water, but again I think the enjoyability level is more based on the colorful labels than the actual quality of water.
Also, and this apparently is super controversial to say, I happen to enjoy Dasani Water. I think Dasani get’s a bad wrap and people claim that it tastes like metal or dirt, but that hasn’t been my experience. And that’s that.
Allllrighty that about wraps it up for today. I’m going to be writing more frequently now that I’m all moved in and the only other thing on my agenda for week nights is that 30 minute, speed 3, incline 12 treadmill workout that I keep hearing about on Tiktok.
As always, let me know if you like the blog so I can boost my fragile ego.
#seasonaldepression #fall #pumpkinspice #bodypositive #tiktok #water #apartment #melatonin #nightmares #anxiety #workout #cardib