LinkedIn Influencers & Tantric Night Terrors

Hi. How’s it going with everyone? As for me, in the immortal words of Dorinda Medley, I’ll tell you how I’m doing. Not well bitch.

In addition to my paralyzing battle with acid reflux, I’m currently struggling with the same cold/illness of unknown origin which I get every single year around this time. I’m weirdly enough one of those people who kind of enjoys being sick (the head high from congestion mixed with a crisp glass of wine is a nice reprieve from my usually hyperactive brain) but having people look at you like you’re carrying the bubonic plague takes a lot of the fun out of it. I can’t even blow my nose without some lady in line at CVS pulling out a crucifix and a clove of garlic.

Anyway, I’ve been procrastinating a lot from writing lately because a. I’ve discovered a newfound love for the culinary arts ( a love that, unfortunately, does not love me back. I was cooking dinner with my bf the other night and I looked away for a mere moment and an entire dishtowel was eclipsed in flames)and b. because I haven’t been sure what to write about. As I have previously mentioned most of the people in my life have forbidden me from writing about them and I also feel as though you guys get sick of hearing me rant week after week about the laundry list of things that piss me off. With that being said, there is one thing I really want to mention that I simply cannot tolerate anymore and that is the recent trend I’ve noticed of “LinkedIn Influencers” who write pseudo inspiring posts day after day for the sake of likes. “I hIrEDDd a HiGhscHOol DrOPoUttt bECaUsee He GaVe meE A fIrmM HanDSHakEee aNd a RoUgH hAndJoBbb”. Like, no you didn’t. Give it a fucking rest. Or my personal favorites “AfTeR MoNthS Of HaRdwOrkkK Myy MiNDseT hASS tUrrneD iNToo a GrinNDset.” Like what are you, Jeff fucking Bezos? You’re the regional manager of an office supply store. Get out of my fucking face.

Anyway, I guess for this post we can just bounce around and see where we land. I have been on an absolute Real Housewives of Beverly Hills BINGE for the past week because I’m trying to get all caught up so I can watch this new season that everyone has been raving about. From the clips I’ve seen and from the bravo STAN accounts I follow, it seems to be truly Emmy worthy because Erika Jaynes ex reanimated corpse of a husband robbed millions of dollars from orphans and windows and blahblahblah. I also cant wait to be introduced to Kathy Hilton because she seems like an absolute delight and a sister after my own heart. I, too, sleep fourteen hours a day on average with a fan on high.

Anyway, I’m currently on either the 6th or 7th season (whichever season pantygate is) and I am just in absolute fucking awe of Dorit. How. Are. We. All. Allowing. Her. To. Speak. In. A. Fake. British. Accent. HOW????? SHE’S FROM CONNECTICUT. IT ISN’T EVEN CONSISTENT. Also, unpopular opinion, I fucking hate Lisa Rinna. I have never seen anyone on a reality show ooze such desperation and general instability and that is really saything something. (However, I did think the whole bag of pills thing was funny and I also ordered a gold plated pill tray for my bathroom with one of her quotes “Were People Doing Coke in Your Bathroom?” on it. Art. Fucking. Deco.)

Another thing that I am in absolute fuccking awe of is Megan Fox and Machine Gun Kelly. At first, I loved every second of it. They’re hot. They have a dark punk rocker edge. They go on double dates with Kourtney K and Travis Barker. But this is now just fucking ridiculous. I’m going to take a moment to read you some ACTUAL QUOTES from the couple that were featured in the most recent issue of GQ.

“It’s ecstasy and agony for sure .. I don’t want people to think anythings perfect with us. I didn’t say it was the darkest fairy tale for no reason. There’s also the demonic side.”

“I’m still a motherfucking outlaw.”

“I just remember this tall, blond, ghostly creature and I looked up and I was like ‘You smell like weed’ and he was like ‘I am weed,’ Then, I swear to god, he disappeared like a ninja in a smoke bomb.”

Oh and my personal favorite, her recent Instagram caption promoting the magazine issue:

“The tale of two outcasts and star crossed lovers caught in the throes of a torrid, solar flare of romance featuring:

Feverish obsession

Guns

Addiction

Shamans

Lots of blood

General mayhem

Therapy

Tantric Night Terrors

Binding rituals

Chakra sound baths

Psychedelic hallucinations

Organic smoothies

And the kind of sex that would make Lucifer clutch his rosary”

These people are both in their thirties. She has three young children. Tantric night terrors and chakra sound baths? What are you talking about? I’m just at a fucking loss. The whole thing sounds like some sort of teenage twilight fanfiction knockoff. It’s exhausting. I’m exhausted.

Oh another thing for all you true crimers out there. The hunt is awnnnn and popping for alleged gf murderer Brian Laundrie. (Idk if I’m spelling that right and I’m too lazy to google it). For those of you living under a rock this couple went on a months long roadtrip together and then he showed up at his parents house in Florida out of the clear blue in their van minus the girlfriend and refused to tell anyone where she was or what happened to her. Cut to a few weeks later and they found her body and she was strangled to death and now he’s on the run and the youths on Tiktok are claiming that he’s hiding under his parents rosegarden in their backyard and breathing through a straw or something. I’m all for a good conspiracy theory (they had me CONVINCED that Wayfair was selling trafficked children a few months back) but there’s no way this kid is hiding underground Osama Bin Laden style. That being said, I do think the kid drove home to his parents, confessed, and they assisted him in escaping to locations unknown. Since everyone in the U.S. knows what he looks like, it’s my guess that he either a. left the country b. is hiding out in a relatives home or c. more likely than not has killed himself because that’s always how these things seem to end. Regardless, I’ve heard that Dog the Bounty Hunter has assigned himself to this mission to we should have answers within a few days.

#RHOBH #KathyHilton #BrianLaundrie #Cold #GabbyPetito #TrueCrime #Tiktok #NewBlog #MeganFox #MGK #Twilight #LinkedIn #Love #Influencer #Reunion

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