The Return of Dr. Rachel

Bon dia!

Hope everyone’s having a blessed week. As I sit here pounding glass after glass of low-calorie rose, I have decided to bestow unto my loyal followers the gift that keeps on giving. My advice.

 Let’s dive in.

Dear Dr. Rachel,

I have really reached a breaking point with a friend of mine, and I’m worried that she may need psychological help. For the past few years, whenever people in our town have passed away (and I’m talking STRANGERS she’s met only a handful of times- if at all) she has taken it has an opportunity to try and garner sympathy for herself on social media. She’ll post long-winded Instagram posts filled with “inside jokes” (that I’m pretty sure never existed) and paragraphs about how hurt she is by the loss, when in reality she barely knew the person. It’s gotten to the point where friends of mine who were actually close to the people who have passed away are getting upset and confronting me about her behavior. I wish I could understand why she feels the need to do this.

Sincerely,

Worried & Confused

Dear Confused,

Not to worry. I’ll clear up the confusion for you. So basically, this friend of yours is falsely claiming to have close personal friendships with people who she hasn’t spoken to since 9th grade biology and subsequently uses their untimely tragic deaths as a means to garner attention and sympathy for herself. To answer your initial question, yes, she does need psychological help. If there’s one thing that my intro to psych class at my local community college has qualified me to do, it’s diagnose everyone in my life with psychological disorders while blissfully ignoring my own. I believe that your friend has a morbid spin on Munchausen’s Syndrome, which is typically defined as someone who attempts to get attention and sympathy by falsifying, inducing, and/or exaggerating an illness. They lie about symptoms, sabotage medical tests, or even harm themselves for attention from others. HOWEVER, Munchausen Syndrome by Internet is characterized as someone who persistently claims to have something dramatic going on in their life, such as repeatedly being the victim of crime, suffering sorrow from a loved one’s death (despite lack of a pre-existing relationship), etc. Now that I’ve explained to you what it is, let’s talk about what you should do about it. On one hand, if I were you, I would take said friend by the hand, sit them down, and smack them very firmly across the face. However, as I have learned time and time again with individuals in my own life, there is no arguing with someone who is committed to their own delusion. They’re not living on this planet, and any threat to the false life they’ve built for themselves is a threat to their own self-worth. It sounds like everyone but her is well aware of what she’s doing, and it is most likely going to stay that way. Stop associating her, and let her continue embarrassing herself on her own. And block her on Instagram while you’re at it.

Dear Dr. Rachel,

I recently broke up with my fiancé that I’ve been with for many years, and I’m getting back into the dating game. I haven’t had sex with another person in a long time, and I’m feeling kind of insecure about my body. I’m in my 30s and I feel like there’s so many things girls do these days (like waxing, laser, injections, fillers, bleaching, etc.,) that I’m not familiar with. Any recommendations?

Sincerely,

Single and Hairy

Dear Hairy,

How hairy are we talking here? If I stumbled across you in the dark, would I confuse you with a marsupial? And where is the hair located? Like, if I’m able to braid your leg hair it might be time to take a trip to the European Wax Salon, but if we’re talking vag then as Jesus himself once said To Thine Own Self Be True. It’s my understanding that some men, particularly those with a mommy complex, don’t mind a little bush action, but then again if you need a weed wacker down there idk maybe bust out a Gilette Venus Original? Also, I’m glad you mentioned bleaching because this has been a topic that has weighed on my mind for some time now. To bleach, or not to bleach? I assume we’re talking about your “brown-eye” or the skin around your anus that porn-stars and Kardashian’s alike typically bleach to get a lighter color for aesthetic purposes.  Because my mother occasionally reads this blog I’m going refrain from going into too much detail here, but how close to your asshole are these gentlemen getting? I guess I’ve never busted it wide open in front of a mirror before so I’m not certain how visible mine is in that position, but I didn’t exactly think it was like in their eyeline. At the end of the day, do whatever makes you feel comfortable. They say confident girls are the most attractive. Not too sure who “they” are, but someone said that once. It might’ve been “The Care and Keeping of You: The Body Book for Girls” guide that my mother threw at me in 5th grade when my breasts came in and I got sent home for not wearing a training bra and distracting the boys in my class. I’ll include a photo below for reference. Anyway, mazal tov.

Dear Dr. Rachel,

I have been dating a guy who I met through a friend of a friend for about six months, and everything has been going great. The only problem is that he’s been in a long-term relationship with another girl for about 5 years. He was upfront with me from the beginning about the relationship but has made it clear that they aren’t happy and that he has wanted out of the relationship for a long time. There’s no doubt in my mind that he loves me, but I’m getting impatient waiting for him to break up with her so that we can move on with our lives together. Should I give him an ultimatum?

Sincerely,

Tired of Waiting

Dear Tired,

Because you are my loyal reader, I’m going to handle this one with kids gloves and be as kind as possible while refraining from words such as “pathetic” and “disgrace”. You’re going to be waiting for a long time. Now I’m going to back it up here for a second to address the route of your problems. Why are you okay with a man loving  another woman in public while only being willing to “love” you in private? If he truly loves you as you say, what’s stopping him from ending the relationship? It sounds to me that you have low self-esteem, and you deserve better. Even if he were to break up with his girlfriend, there’s an age old saying that always rings true- How you get them is how you lose them. What’s to say that a year or two after your ultimatum he won’t meet someone else and tell her how unhappy he is with you? I’m not going to start with the GiRl CoDeEe of it all, but being the other woman is truly not a good look. Love yourself enough not to be someone’s sloppy seconds.

Anyway, that’s about all the advice I have in me today unfortunately. Also, before I go I just want to touch on two things that are deeply important to me.

  1. I don’t know how many of you out there are watching the Sex and the City reboot, and although I will continue to watch every episode I am devastated, DEVASTATED  by the Che Diaz of it all. First of all the entire storyline just doesn’t make any sense. Harvard graduate lawyer Miranda Hobbs who has spent the past 20 years married suddenly realizes that she’s down to clown with the ladies because a middle aged “comedian” (and I’m using that term VERY VERY VERY @!!!!!! Loosely. Their Netflix “comedy special” taping that was featured in one scene on the show was not filled with jokes but instead seemed like some sort of motivational speaking seminar? CHaNgE yOuR lIfEeeE. The only thing you’re doing is making me want to change the fucking channel.) with a half shaved faux-hawk reminiscent of a teenage barback offers her a hot shot of weed. Like come on.

And what exactly does Che see in Miranda that they are suddenly also in love with her? I’m going to be fucking honest and say the thing that I’m not supposed to say, she hasn’t aged well. I’m also going to have to side with Charlotte on this one, she needs to dye that hair back to red. Anyway, I shouldn’t be waking up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat screaming WHO IS IT? WHO IS IT? Because the phrase “Hey it’s Che Diaz” is haunting my fucking nightmares. Also, JUSTICE FOR STEVE!!!!!! HE HAS FOUGHT FOR THIS RELATIONSHIP AND FOR YOUR UNGREATFUL ASS FOR OVER TWO DECADES, JUST FOR YOU TO TELL HIM THAT HE ISN’T ENOUGH FOR YOU OVER A BOWL OF ICECREAM AT AGE 55. THE AUDACITY OF IT ALL. 0/10

2. On the other hand, the new season of Euphoria which I have been patiently waiting for has finally returned and just 5 stars all around. I don’t want to give any spoilers so I’m just going to say two things. First, I’m realllly finding myself increasingly attracted to Nate, so I’m not sure what that says about me but I’m sure it’s nothing good. I think that scene of him walking down the hall in a flannel and ignoring Cassie made me nostalgic for my own highschool experience in which I desperately tried to get the attention of a male in the hallways and was also ignored. Except, we weren’t secretly having sex he was just simply not interested. Also, do want to know another thing haunting my nightmares? Cassie’s breasts. They are absolutely phenomenal but do they need to be in every single scene? Like at one point something important was going on and her nipple was literally grazing Nate’s eyelid.

#AndJustLikeThat #SexandTheCity #Advice #Parenting #Puberty #Euphoria #Nate #Cassie #BeautyRoutine #Munchausen #Socialmedia #Relationships #Highschool #Netflix #Breakups #Girlcode #Diet

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