Wine and Zoloft

Happy International Women’s Day everyone! I can’t wait to see you all use the guise of gender empowerment as justification for posting a flattering photo of yourselves from 3 years ago. Come to think of it, maybe I’ll do the same.

I haven’t posted in a while because I have been undergoing a very soul crushing series of unfortunate events which has involved my dog going to dog prison, moving from this absolute dumpster fire hellhole of a building that still manages to charge me over 3k a month despite the general lack of working utilities, and starting a new job that has instilled in me once and for all what the word “corporate” really means. Have you ever had a pre-meeting to discuss an upcoming meeting and then a post meeting to discuss the meeting which also simultaneously serves as the first of two pre meetings for the next meeting? Because I have.

Anyhoo, because the aforementioned life events are enough to send me into cardiac arrest just thinking about them, I’ve decided to turn my attention elsewhere to some hot topics that have been keeping me up at night. Ladies and gentlemen, without further adieu, a woman unhinged:

1. I know I’m about a week late and a dollar short to the party here, but I would like to cover the fucking travesty that was the season finale of Euphoria. I have watched every episode of this past season every Sunday promptly at 9 p.m. and this was no exception. I even hosted a viewing party, girded my loins, and waited for a cinematic masterpiece unlike one I have experienced before to grace my screen. (I still have chills form the final sequence of the finale of season 1 when Rue breaks into a song and dance number accompanied by the bone chilling tones of Labrintyh. Side side note- did you know that it’s actually none other than Zendaya HERSELF singing that song from that scene? Because I didn’t until like 3 days ago) Anyway, what I actually got this time around mirrored a common reoccurring theme for everything else  in my life- a big fat disappointment.

Now I’m sure you’ve seen all the memes and all the Tiktoks and I don’t want to reiterate what we’ve all heard a thousand times before such as why the fuck did I spend 7 minutes of the episode listening to Elliot sing the same bars over and over again? Why do I care about Elliot singing? He hasn’t even been in the past three episodes. AND WHY. WHY. DIDN’T WE GET MORE FOOTAGE. OF MADDIE BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF CASSIE. I can honestly say without so much as a shred of exaggeration that watching her smash Cassies head against the wall was the most satisfying five seconds of the entire episode. Anyway, not to go off on too much of a tangent here but here are some of my unpopular opinions-

• I don’t care about Lexi and Rue’s friendship. I’m sorry. I just don’t. I know she was like floating in the background all of season 1 whining about how they used to be such good friends and then Rue would occasionally take advantage of her or use her as a cover when she was out doing fentanyl but like… who cares lmao. Like did that need to be the ending scene of the entire season? Them hanging out? I just don’t care. I’ve livEDd OuT mOst Of mY lIfe In mY mInNd. Yeah, who hasn’t Lex. Stfu. And go check on Fez
• What. Was the point. Of Nate driving to go see his dad with a loaded gun? Dramatic effect? Like spare me the theatrics. He pulled it out for one second after interrupting Cal’s homoerotic circle jerk and was like oh yeah actually the police are coming hehe gotcha bitch. Like ok. Cool. Then what was the point of you giving Jules the CD and telling her that she can do whatever she wants with it and it’s the only copy and you’ll never tell a soul and everything you said to her was the truth and blahblahblah. Like clearly, that was a fucking lie Nate. The only bonus points you get is because that scene where you’re kissing Maddie on the bed while holding a gun to your head is still making the hairs on my labia stand up.
• We didn’t need two full episodes of Lexi’s play. We didn’t need to flash back to Rue’s dads funeral for the nineteenth fucking time while 25 year old Zendaya throws her hair in pigtail braids in desperate attempt to pass for 13. There was so much else that should have focused on. WHAT ABOUT LAURIE? Remember that whole arc where you lost a huge drug pins suit case of drugs worth like 15k and she attempted to kidnap you and sell yu into sex slavery? Did she just wake up the next morning and say meh whatever we’ll gettem next time? I didn’t think it worked like that or else a lot more people would be ripping off drug dealers.
• Gas Prices. Let me start off by saying that I’ve literally been screamed at by people in my life for refusing to put more than $10 in gas at a time. I already pay for the fucking car. Now I need to pay for gas too? What’s next, I have to pay for the glassware my pinot noir is served in? But, to my dear, sweet, uneducated BOSSBABES who have taken to their Facebook with the condescending albeit entirely inaccurate status “YoU guYs VoTed For HiMm nOw DeAll WWiITth TheE CoNSequeNces”. Let me say it once, twice, thrice for the bitches in the back. The president. Of the United States. Does not control. Gas prices. the same way you can’t control your overbite, Katie. The cause behind the influx in gas pricing is twofold – 1. It is a rebound effect from the pandemic 2. Russia invading the Ukraine subsequently resulted in sanctions being put on Russia by the U.S. and European Union which hindered Russia’s ability to sell crude oil, one of the biggest determiners for gas prices. Why don’t you put down the Live Laugh Love wall decal and pick up a fucking book. I IMPLORE you.
• Listen up, because despite the rant I just went on this next one is alllllmost enough to make me slap a MAGA hat on and hop on the back of a dirt bike. President Joe Biden announced this week that remote work should come to an end and employers should push for workers to return to the office full time. Aren’t we in the middle of some sort of employee shortage crisis because no one wanted to work after the pandemic? Do we truly think the way to resolve this issue is by requiring people to change out of their sweatpants and put on human clothes and schlep to the fucking office 5 days a week? THE ANSWER IS NO. WE CAN’T DO IT, JOE.

Alright for the sake of my mental health I’m going to call it quits here before I work myself into a frenzy. Talk soon, xoxo gossip girl