A Gift from Me to You

Hiiiiiiii (Jill Zarin voice).

As my unemployment proves to be unwavering (and I have grown further disillusioned with some people in my life) I have had an influx of time to focus on what matters the most to me: television.

During this time, I’ve caught up on the latest “buzzworthy shows” across the 1,400 streaming services I subscribe to, (and have gone into debt because of) and I’ve decided to do the charitable thing and provide a list of my recommendations and condemnations below. You’re welcome!

The Watcher

The Watcher is best compared to a man in their 20’s that you meet on Hinge. At first, they’re interesting and super fun and every interaction with them leaves you wanting more. Then, you inevitably meet up and have sex and they blow their load all over you, totally negating the buildup of excitement and effectively ruining everything. That’s what The Watcher was, a proverbial blown load. I literally binged every single episode in 24 hours and then got to that wack ass finale and couldn’t believe it. And before anyone chimes in, I know, it’s based on a true story, and they never actually found out the identity of The Watcher and blahblahblah. Well, guess what? That didn’t stop Ryan Murphy taking several other creative fucking liberties such as inexplicably intertwining the John List family murders. And guess what? (part deux) Netflix renewed the show for a season 2. Excuse my French but what the fuck is going to be in season 2? Hard pass. Also, a little niche but the dad also played the guy that Samantha Jones blew in SATC with “funky tasting spunk”. Just thought I should share that with you all.

Casey Anthony: Where the Truth Lies

Ooof. This is a tricky one. On the one hand, I have recently become absolutely engulfed in everything true crime. In the words of Jamie Foxx, Blame It On Dahmer Of It All (which I would’ve included on this list but it’s clear that everyone and their great aunt has already seen it. Also, if anyone cares they renewed the series for 2 more seasons, but they’re not going to be about Dahmer since we sort of bled that whole storyline dry, so to speak. Instead, they’ll focus on a new serial killer per season, which is all fine and good and everything, but I just know they’re going to make one of them about Ted Bundy and I’m over it).

Anyway, in a week’s span I watched all the Unsolved Mysteries and Cold Case Files they had on Netflix, and I still find myself hungry for more morbid television. That being said, am I super eager to support a show that undeniably gave “suspected” (“alleged”) child killer Casey Anthony a 6-figure (ATLEAST) check to participate in?  Not so much. Will I watch still watch every episode when it premieres tomorrow, Nov. 29? Probably. But I won’t be happy about it.

The Crown

I first began watching The Crown in 2020 during the pandemic because there was nothing else to do and, well, it seems old habits truly do die hard. Anyway, seasons 1-5 have spanned over a period of 45 years and almost each season has an entirely new cast, so for all intents and purposes I’m just going to focus on season 5.

On the one hand, casting the mean lady from Harry Potter (Dolores Umbridge, if you’re into that sort of thing) as Queen Elizabeth was not on my bingo board for 2022. However, this season actually focused far less on the actual Queen and more on the Queen of our Hearts, Princess Diana, so it was fine. But, that was just about the only thing that was fine.

I know not a lot of you have watched The Crown so I’ll spare you the absolute tirade I could go on about this season, but I just want to hit a few points.

  1. The side plots. The side stories. The side characters. We’re watching The Fucking Crown. Not The Everyone and Anyone But The Royal Family.  I did not need almost two full episodes dedicated to the Al- Fayed family. We get it. The son dated Diana for a short time and died in the car accident which also tragically took Diana’s life. IDCCCCCCCCCCCCccccccc. WHERE’S MY BITCH PRINCESS MARGRET?
  2. The director’s method of storytelling. It was a little too.. on the nose for me. We don’t need Diana drifting alone in a pool to get the symbolism that she’s adrift emotionally. We don’t need to see other British couples in divorce court launching into dialogues about their marriage trouble to get that in some ways Princess Diana and Prince Momma’s Boy are just like any other married couple.

But, bonus points for that whole out of left field Romanov episode. I know it basically contradicts what I just said but I fucking love the Romanovs.

Wednesday

I’m torn! I have to admit that after watching the initial trailer I was less than impressed, especiallllllly since The Addams Family is one of my favorite franchises of all time. But, because it was directed by Tim Burton who also happens to be my favorite director (Corpse Bride, Nightmare Before Christmas, Beetle Juice, Beetle Juice, Beetle Juice!) I decided to give it a whirl. I’m five episodes in and it’s… okay. Some of the casting choices leave much to be desired (re: the actor they chose to play Gomez, why?) and I also am deeply unclear why they decided to go with the boarding school where all the students have magic powers route. It’s giving low budget Harry Potter. But, Jenna Ortega is a pretty good Wednesday and the teen love triangle plotline (I was initially alarmed that I wanted to have sex with Xavier, but I looked it up and he’s in his 20’s so it’s fine) has been warming the embers of my cold heart.

RHOP

I have four words for you all, and four words only. DON’T. SLEEP. ON. POTOMAC. I’ve realized that even the most seasoned of housewives’ fans do not watch Potomac and I simply cannot understand why. Each week they are DELIVERING on every level and this season is honestly already 10x better than Season 12 Total-Waste-Of-My-Time Beverly Hills. All that buildup and countless episodes of space filler for the Aspen trip and we didn’t even get to see what happened? Fuck off. Anyway, there’s actual drama every episode and the women say what’s on their minds to each other’s face rather than behind their back in a confessional. RHOP also has the light heartedness and comedic relief factor that other franchises are desperately missing (the past two seasons of RHONY were genuinely too dark for me to watch)  Alllllso, bonus points for Candiace tweeting at me and recognizing that I am, in fact, a real one.

If you are not a fan of or have simply never watched any of the housewives, I absolutely IMPLORE you: run, don’t walk to Peacock and watch in the below order:

  1. Real Housewives of New York (best seasons 7-11, when the B is Back)
  2. Real Housewives of Potomac (you can skip seasons 1 and watch 2- present)
  3. Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (seasons 1, 2, and 3 were arguably the best seasons across ANY of the franchises)
  4. Real Housewives of New Jersey (start with season 3 episode 1- the baptism episode. It truly gives me chills every time)

Honorable mentions because I’ve gone on long enough:

  1. Succession
  2. P Valley
  3. Unsolved Mysteries

Perhaps I’ll delve into those in a future blog if you guys enjoyed this type of post. Allllso I finally after almost two years changed the format/layout because I couldn’t look at that fucking dollar store Gossip Girl stock image any longer. Let me know what you think!!

#thecrown #rhop #cardib #cardi #thewatcher #succession #pvalley #unsolvedmysteries #dahmer #realhousewives #bravo #rhony #rhonj #rhobh #beverlyhills #wednesday #truecrime #timburton #netflix #hulu #hbo #caseyanthony #royalfamily #queenelizabeth #sexandthecity

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