Wine and Zoloft

Hello everyone. I’m not sure about you, but as we delve further into the Holiday season, I have found myself at my wits end with everyone and anyone. And in the words of Carrie Bradshaw, a woman who fooled a far younger and more attractive version of myself into believing that you can survive on a freelance writer’s salary, I can’t help but wonder, why? Let’s touch base with some of the top pop culture stories trending this week that have made me want to play Marco Polo in a swimming pool with a toaster oven.

CVS Has Been Scamming Us

Well, let me just scrape my jaw off the floor. Much to the surprise of no one, (but, I guess, technically someone) CVS was recently hit with a lawsuit over misusing customer diabetes donations. So, what does it all mean, you ask? Apparently, the store is being sued for asking customers to donate to the American Diabetes Association, and then instead using it to reimburse their own company for a legally binding $10 mil promise they had made earlier.

This story is very near and dear to my heart for many reasons. 1. Since the age of ten I would walk down the street from my house to my neighborhood CVS and spend allllll of the hard earned singles I had stolen out of my mothers purse on NYX lipgloss and Maybelline Dream Mousse foundation in a shade that if I wore today I would be cancelled for doing black face. I have spent more time in CVS’ across this once great nation than I have in Church, in class, and possibly even inebriated. 2. Since I was old enough to pay with a debt card of my very own, I have been borderline ACCOSTED by the front desk associates of CVS to donate to one out-of-left-field cause after the next (Aunts Against Drunk Driving of Migrant Workers Without Fair Wage, etc.,) until one day I said: enough. Enough! I simply cannot afford to donate to the less fortunate. I AM THE LESS FORTUNATE. And I can guarantee that if I started traipsing up and down the aisles at CVS with a tin can begging their customers for loose change to fund my BBL they’d have a thing or two to say about it.

AI Generated Portraits

I could write an epic saga rivaled only by the Iliad and the Odyssey on all of the things that are wrong with posting these AI Generated “portraits” of yourself to Instagram, but for times sake I’ll keep it short and narrow it down to one overarching reason. It doesn’t fucking look like you. Yes, it may bare some resemblance in the way that I believe I bare a resemblance to Aubrey Plaza if you squint one eye, close the other, and spin around 3 times in place, but enough is enough. Also, not to utilize one of my biggest pet peeves which is people misusing psychology terminology on the internet, but it just absolutely oooozes narcissism and shows us your grasp on reality is even looser than we all thought.

Spotify Wrapped

Sure, I’m unemployed, overweight, and many of the friends in my life are dropping like flies. But I think what truly pushed me over the edge, as insignificant as it may seem, was seeing everyone’s “Spotify Wrapped’s” plastered across social media. On the one hand, I do have to admit that I don’t particularly listen to music. I don’t exactly know what it is, and I’m sure the reasoning behind it has something to do with my serotonin levels since, but I haven’t reaaally listened to music for leisure since I was in middle school. And even then, it was the occasional Taking Back Sunday (YOURLIPSTICKHISCOLLARDONTBOTHERANGEL IKNOWEXACTLYWHATGOESON) while crying into my pillow at night about the hot eighth grader who played the drums and went to the Warped Tour. (Plot twist- always thought the reason he wasn’t into me was because he was gay, as it turns out straight as an arrow and is now married. Just another knife to the heart.)

Anyway, the other reasoning behind my irrational annoyance is just the fact that the absolute mediocrity of your music selection is giving me heartburn. OooO, you were top 1% of Luke Bryant listeners AnD Post Malone? You fucking trailblazer, you! Keep giving your parents a reason to be proud.

Meghan and Harry’s Netflix Documentary

Despite having said (I believe in the 2021 Oprah Interview) that that would be his last time speaking out on the issues with his family publicly, former Prince Harry and current Princess of Montecito Meghan Markle’s Netflix Documentary dropped today to.. pretty mild buzz and media attention. Could it be that even the pro-Meghaners of the world are finally exhausted from hearing the same nonspecific  stories and insinuations about the Royal Family spun into different generic/innocuous statements for the 40^th time? Probably. Is it possible that people are tired of listening to former actress and social climber Meghan cosplay as Princess Diana (the low, shy manner of speaking, the references to suicidal ideation, the outfit choices, etc) in a vain attempt to fill the beloved “People’s Princess’” shoes slash manipulate her husband? Maybe.

One thing I will say is that I simply cannot knock their hustle. Sure, I thought that the endless parade of interviews, the podcast, the magazine exposes, the multi-episode Netflix arc, and Harry’s upcoming TELL ALL MEMOIR was not exactly conducive to the lifestyle of a couple who moved to the United States for privacy, but it all has become glaringly clear that there is one other motivation for all this (other than hanging on to their fleeting relevance/importance). Money.

I had not previously realized that when they chose to leave their royal posts they were “cut-off financially” (which in retrospect makes total sense but I honestly never thought about it) and were left only with the $10 million dollar inheritance from Princess Diana and the $2 million Meghan had squandered away during her EGOT-award-winning performances on Deal or No Deal. Sure, they want to win favor in the court of public opinion and “tell their story”so we all shudder to think that this is the same woman who several members of the royal staff have accused of tear-induced bullying, but what it all comes down to is: they need the money.  Queue the completely unrelatable and borderline nausea inducing story Meghan told The Cut about not being able to afford their $14 million dollar mansion in California, “ “We didn’t have jobs, so we were just not going to come and see this house. It wasn’t possible. It’s like when I was younger and you’re window shopping – it’s like ‘I don’t want to go and look at all the things that I can’t afford, that doesn’t feel good’.” (She’s 41)

Well, that’s all we have time for today. I’m sorry if I come across as more frighteningly unhinged than usual, but, well, I’m more frighteningly unhinged than usual.

ALSO! The next blogpost I’m doing is going to be a Dr. Rachel segment so if you would like to have your life’s questions anonymously answered by someone with a very sad life of their own, feel free to leave a comment here or DM me on Instagram: @Rachellabellaa

Arrivederci!

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