Welcome To Your Tape

Hi everyone. It is January 24th, and in the past three weeks alone, I have had the honor and privilege of adding yet another reason my collection of Thirteen Reasons Why. (And no, unlike the Netflix show that had one good season and then took a steeeeep nosedive, one of my reasons isn’t that someone said I had a fat ass.) Also, spoiler alert, this was Reason #12. And we all know what happens when I get to Reason #13. Come February you should all be checking your mailboxes for cassette tapes, and I swear to God if any of you miss my funeral because you “don’t want to deal with the long lines” or “there’s never anywhere to park” I will HAUNT YOU FROM THE AFTERLIFE. I doubt there will be that many attendees anyway.

Anyway, my newest reason for my impending su*c*de in many ways is almost an accomplishment. I now hold the distinction of being the only person I know, most likely the only person in the western hemisphere, who was let go from a job without ever actually getting the chance to start.

To provide a brief prelude, shortly before Christmas I had the great misfortune of applying to a job listed on Indeed as a copyeditor for a “Stamford Publishing Company”. Although the name of the company was not actually listed, (and I did not bother to do any due diligence and check to see what publishing companies are even located in Stamford) I thought this seemed like a great opportunity since I had been angling to get into the publishing world for some time (because I saw the movie The Proposal and thought that it might be fun to serve Sandra Bullock realness. Also, I like books. I guess.)

In one of the many instances lately that I’ve realized I’m far more delusional than I thought, I seemed to have completely ignored or mentally blocked out the sub header underneath the job posting that stated: “Publisher of New Age and metaphysical products seeks experienced, detail-oriented editor”.

So, when I was selected for an interview, it was much to my own surprise and dismay to discover that the “Publisher” was actually a company which created “witchcraft and tarot-esque” materials. I don’t want to mention the company by name but here are a few titles of the “materials” they have under their belt-

  1. “Other Divination Systems for the Wiccan and Young at Heart”,
  2. “Fairies and Pagan Meditation”
  3. “Oracle of Novice Witches: Ferocious Grace and Supreme Protection with the Wild Divine Mother”.

But, despite not being super psyched to make the foray into dark magic, I was desperate. And when I was contacted the next day by the employer and presented with a stable salary and benefits, I decided you know what? Why not right? What do I really have to lose? As it turned out, I had not much to lose and nothing at all to gain.

After graciously accepting the offer and inquiring about a start date, my next two of my emails went entirely unresponded. I began to grow a little concerned, but I rationalized that we were coming out of the holiday season and there was probably a lot going on in the bustling world of witchcraft. Eventually, the woman, let’s call her Rosaline, reached out to me and let me know that she would like me to start in the office on Wednesday, January 18th so that she could “catch me up to speed”. Although she once again did not answer my follow-up email, I was excited to start and had assured myself it wouldn’t possibly be as bad as I thought.

The night before at approx. 7:30 p.m., I had wanded my hair and was just picking out an outfit that said a business professional in the streets/wiccan fortune teller in the sheets when I received in email notification on my phone. It read:

Hello Rachel,

I am so sorry for the late notice however, I need to reschedule you for next Monday.

I will touch base with you again at the end of the week.

Thank you for your understanding.

Once again struggling to ignore the abundance of red flags and look on the brightside like Tiktok told me to, I answered in less than one minute and said I understood. No worries! ****Worrying**** However, I was curious if she meant this coming Monday, or the following Monday. Again, no response.

Then, a few days later, THREE DAYS INTO WHEN I WAS ALREADY SUPPOSED TO HAVE STARTED, I received yet another email.

Hello Rachel,

Thank you for your patience this week. 

I have some unfortunate news regarding the position. We have decided to restructure the department and eliminated the position that you applied for. 

We really appreciate your time and apologize for the news. We wish you the best of luck with your job search. 



It was Friday. And I had been fired on my day off.

Rather than replying to dear Rosaline and inquiring just what in the fuck was possibly going on in the Ministry of Magic that would cause them to hire someone for a job a month prior, and the, days after their planned start date let them know the position no longer existed, I decided not to. Instead, I simply replied:

Welcome to your tape.

#Friday #jobhunting #corporate #career #publishing #magic #ministry #harrypotter #tarot #psychic #darkmagic #13reasonswhy #netflix #welcome #welcometoyourtape #boss #linkedin #tiktok #haunt #lol

One response to “Welcome To Your Tape”

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