The Return of Dr. Rachel

Hello all! We have officially entered our universal Jordan Year, and I, for one, can not be happier to leave 2022 behind. As I probably should have anticipated, the year is off to a real whirlwind of a start and we’re only a little over a week in.

Here’s a few things that have happened in a mere 10 days.

  1. The Idaho State College Killer has been arrested and he looks just as horrifying as we all thought he would. What should come as a shocker to no one, the reasoning behind him brutally murdering four people is most likely that he was obsessed with one of the girls. And just like other incel cuck beta males before him, he probably couldn’t take the inevitable rejection and snapped. If I say it once I say it a thousand times – being rejected is not an excuse for men to attack or kill women. Get a fucking hobby.

2. Prince Harry has let us all know (for reasons that are still eluding me) that he had frostbite on his little ginger knob during his brother’s wedding. Also, surprisingly, he’s circumcised. Although we are still amid a never ending press tour, it seems the only question left unanswered in “H”’s riveting memoir is: When is enough enough?

3. Queen Icon Legend Barbara Wawa Walters went to the great beyond, a true beacon of hope for all those with a speech impediment, that we too , can have a career in broadcasting.

4. After almost three years, season 2 of Ginny & Georgia has finally premiered to rave reviews (my own). Just when I was alllllmost finished writing hate mail to the CEO of Netflix.

^ literally me waiting for season 2.

Anyway, rather than start off this year inducing a panic attack by listing out my own resolutions and recognizing that they have neither changed nor been accomplished over the past two years, I’ve decided to instead focus on all of your problems. Let’s dive in.

Dear Dr. Rachel,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost two years, and I thought we were completely happy and fulfilled on both sides. Recently, he mentioned to me that he wanted to “spice up” our sex life. I guess it’s normal after being together for a while, but I’m afraid he’s going to ask me to do something I’m not comfortable with. What should I do?



Dear Vanilla Ice,

Ah. A tale as old as time. Man meets woman. They fall in love. They ride off into the sunset. And then, after watching one too many bukkake cream pie compilations on Pornhub, man gets bored of missionary and the occasional half-hearted blow job.

Let me ask you this, what exactly is it that you’re afraid that he’s going to ask you to do? Sounds like you have more than an inkling of what his proclivities are and let me tell you, if it’s something along the lines of wanting you to lay in an ice bath until your body temp gets low enough that you feel like a corpse.. well then you need to move, change your number, your name, and your hair color bc the guys a real freak.

Beyond that, if all your man is humbly requesting is some light roleplay or maybe reverse cowgirl on a Tuesday after taco night, just go for it. Life’s too short to stick with the vanilla. Sometimes, you gotta try 32 flavors and then some or whatever that song is.

(It just occurred to me that some of you may not know the song so here you go: (222) Ani DiFranco – 32 Flavors (HQ) – YouTube It’s a fucking bop.)

Dear Dr. Rachel,

My fiancé and I are getting married in a few months, and I’m getting cold feet for kind of a silly reason. He insists we split everything, from the rent to the groceries. When we go out to dinner it’s literally embarrassing because we always have to pay half and half, no matter how low the check is! I’ve mentioned it to him before and he claims that that’s how his parents were, but I just find kind of cringey.


Dutch or Bust

Dear Bust,

Oooh. This is a trickkkyyy one. Although I’m far from a bra burning feminist, I follow the school of thought that it is not a man’s responsibility to pay for everything all the time. Unless there’s a huge disparity in income, I think women should pony up half the rent or pay for the occasional date without issue.

That being said, if he’s following a model set by his parents.. is that how his parents were or is that how his parents are?( Said in the silent or silenced Oprah voice) Like, is he only planning on keeping your funds separate prior to getting married? Or are you going to be receiving monthly invoices from him because you used his Chase Bank card to buy a carton of milk for the kids? These are things you should probably establish with your beau before taking that long walk down the aisle and toward inevitable divorce. As Hellen Keller once said, communication is key!

Dear Dr. Rachel,

Since moving in together, my boyfriend’s mother has been driving me crazy! In addition to showing up unannounced constantly (multiple times a week) she calls him every day multiple times a day and wants to stay on the phone for hours. I know I should be happy that he has a good relationship with his mother, but I can’t help but feel like she’s getting in the way of our relationship. How do I tell her to back off?



Dear Mommy Dearest,

I’m going to level with you here. It sounds like you have yourself the makings of a monster-in-law. And if you’re still only dating and have not yet gotten married, it’s most likely going to be allllll down hill from here in that department. Do you forsee a future with this man without the probability of his mother scolding you for not separating his whites and colors the way she used to? And what about when you pop out a demon seed of your own? If she going to feel it’s her place to dictate how you raise little Braiden?

One thing about overbearing mothers, they rarely change without a case of divine intervention. That being said, you are not the one who needs to stage such intervention. You know who does? Her pride and joy. Her reason for breathing. Her son. And if he’s too much of a momma’s boy to tell her that she’s interfering with the two of you building a life and a future of your own.. well, then, you have your answer. Bag him. Tag him. Take him to the dump.

Well, it seems that’s all we have time for today because I need a drink. As always, let me know if you’ve enjoyed listening to me ramble on about nothing. Kisses!

#hellenkeller #advice #dating #love #relationships #wedding #motherinlaw #mommy #princeharry #meghanmarkle #spare #ginnyandgeorgia #idaho #idahostatekiller #incel #beta #barbarawalters #walters #netflix #son #divineintervention

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