Wine and Zoloft

It’s official. We have escaped the dumpster fire hell scape that was 2020 and have embarked on the new year a little fatter, a little drunker, and a little more depressed. My resolution’s, in no particular order, are as follows:

• Lose weight
• Drink less
• Get a job that doesn’t require me to wear an apron
• Write everyday
• Think positive

It is day 3 of the new year and I have already broken each one of these resolutions. Podcast host Jackie Schimmel (one of my personal favs) recently said that maybe we should all accept that this is the best we’re going to get. She said we should stop setting ourselves up for failure by mounting grand goals that we can’t possibly reach. Let me tell you one thing. If this is the best version of myself and as good as my life is going to get, there’s nothing stopping me from hurling myself in front of a bus. So I beg to differ.

In that spirit I have been begging anyone who will listen to make vision boards of exactly what we want in the New Year. For anyone who’s unaware, vision board’s are basically a collage of images you put together as a way to manifest or put out into the universe your desires so they come true. Basically, you speak things into existence via a glue stick and old 17 magazines. Anyway, all of my friends have more or less refused, so I guess I’ll have to fuck off to Michaels Arts & Crafts by myself.

I realize that I had more or less recapped the first two reunions of RHOP and completely missed the third “supersized” episode. It was partially because it wasn’t as good as I was expecting and again partially because I’m disgusted by Andy’s biased behavior, but I do have a few notes.

1. I can’t fathom why Andy has chosen Candaice’s side. Maybe it’s because he doesn’t want Bravo to be considered liable or accepting of physical violence? Regardless, he kept coming for Monique and would not let up. That whole “are you a recording artist?” remark wasn’t cute. It was downright rude and belittling, and he knows damn well she stated in her first season several times that she used to rap.
2. I AM SO GLAD THAT JUAN DIXON IS NOT HERE RIGHT NOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. What??? Can you relax, Robyn? I literally hopped on Twitter to see if other people were as confused and blindsided by Robyn’s outburst as I was. They were.
3. Monique delivered a heartfelt apology complete with the tears and outward display of emotion Andy was looking for and it still wasn’t deemed good enough by Candeegal. Clearly, it was good enough for me.

That’s it. That’s all I have. For once in my entire life I actually found myself wishing that our favorite Australian sexual predator Michael Darby was there. He would’ve at least provided some entertainment.

I’m also devastated to have found out that Monique will not return next season. She was aparently offerred a contract for season six, but declined to return. T’Challa Forever.

Let’s see what else can I write to procrastinate from preparing for what is bound to be an ill-fated Zoom job interview tomorrow. I don’t know if I’ve said this before, but I personally think the masterminds behind this entire pandemic are the creators of Zoom. They have only benefitted from Covid-19 and have some how become a tool society revolves around in the span of 9 months. I would delve into the job but I signed a NDA. Are you allowed to say that you signed an NDA? Or is that in itself breaking the NDA?

Anyway, a lot of people reached out to me following me posting about Gucci Gate which was super nice. However, it’s still very much ongoing and we have yet to reach a resolution so I’ll wait until I either have the belt or am in jail to give you an update. Until then, feliz ano nuevo!

#newyear #newblog #newbitch #bravo #housewives #RHOP #Gucci #Covid #zoom #resolution #visionboard #art #craft #friend