A Bleak New Year

Today was truly a day bleaker than most. And believe me, that’s saying something. But I promised myself that I would try to write everyday to keep the creative juices flowing, so I figured this would be a productive way kill some time. I probably wont publish this post because let’s face it, just like in life, they can’t all be winners.

Last night I decided it would be a good idea to watch the new Pixar movie “Soul” that everyone keeps going on and on about. A friend of mine told me that watching the movie made her want to “go out and live” and honestly I figured I need to drink a biiiiiig cup of that Kool-Aid, so I decided to watch. I think the combination of my overly high expectations and the fact that I was guzzling Pino Noir until my vision blurred left me a little underwhelmed. The animation was incredible and the movie will definitely win a shit ton of awards for the graphics alone. But meh. So he (I legit can’t remember the main characters name I think it was Paul or something) spent his whole life and part of his afterlife dreaming of becoming a professional musician and then after one 30 minute set in a half vacant piano bar he’s like “Nah. Not for me actually. Guess I’m ready to go to the Great Beyond.” Like what? It’s not like he was playing sold out shows at the Apollo, I wouldn’t have been jumping for joy either. Maybe he could have stuck it out for another performance that didn’t most likely require a two drink minimum?

And then those blue stick figures sent him back to Earth and he’s like welp, I may be 50, alone, unemployed, and technically responsible for the death of a cat but we’ll see what happens. Talk about depressing. I’ll tell you one thing if I was a kid and my parents brought me to see this movie I would’ve probably started therapy a looot earlier. Maybe that would’ve been beneficial actually. And also like, why was everyone Australian?

I continued to drink myself into a stupor while watching AHS Freakshow (my least favorite of the franchise so far if anyone cares. At some point, someone needs to say yes Ryan Murphy, you may be a genius but calm the fuck down. Some artistic choices just don’t need to be made. Half the time I feel like I’m fighting off a seizure) which probably contributed to me waking up with violent anxiety at 8 a.m. Spoiler alert, I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety for most of my life hence my award winning sense of humor. Anyway, periods of pretty extreme anxiety come in waves for me, and I think the root of a lot of it is when life slows down and I don’t have much going on so I have too much time to overthink. Def not looking forward to a period of that again, but that’s enough of my pity party of one. Moving on.

I took half a .25 Xanax which one of my best friends Caela lovingly reminds me is essentially a placebo, but it lulled me back to sleep until about 30 minutes prior to my job interview. Luckily, it was a Zoom interview so all I needed to do is slap on some foundation and a cardigan from H&M to hide my huge tits. It went pretty well, although I’m like 99.9999% sure the girl who interviewed me was several years younger than I am. I’m sure other people have experienced this, but isn’t it kind of belittling to have to sit there and convince someone who was a freshman when you were a senior that you’re a detail oriented hard working team player?

My day wrapped up by some light (not light at all) arguing with my boyfriend before we decided to “try something new” and cook dinner together. It pretty much goes without saying that when you have dated someone for seven years its hard to keep that spark alive, and believe me we are no exception. He insisted we cook halibut and rice because he “can not have a meal without rice” which I believe I lovingly mentioned in one of my previous posts. I wouldn’t exactly call myself the biggest fan of rice, and I’m pretty sure that he was secretly texting his mother for her famous arroz recipe while I wasn’t looking.

The meal actually turned out really well with no thanks to me because he didn’t actually allow me to do much. I asked him why he feels the need to micromanage every aspect of life and he just laughed, but I don’t think he really understood what I was talking about. Sometimes I think the language barrier might be what’s keeping us going. Or atleast keeping us from killing each other. Anyhoooo about 4.5 seconds after he finished eating he retired to my couch where he has been sleeping coocooned in a heated blanket. I’m sitting on the floor, again running the blow dryer on myself for warmth. It’s time to start drinking.

#drinking #alcohol #soul #pixar #disney #wine #boyfriend #datenight #friends #healthy #healthyeating #diet #cooking #AHS #anxiety #depression #mentalhealth #lmfaothesehashtagsaresoembarrrrrasssinnngggg

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