Well, get your boots and your coat and get ready for a shitstorm of all the random thoughts filling my mind today. Today is the official start to my new year and I’m writing off the first week(ish) as a much needed adjustment period. I have yet to make my vision board due to pure laziness and have considered instead making a virtual vision board but I’m not quite sure if it’ll have the same effect. I’m also restarting the cabbage soup diet for the third time in a desperate attempt to either jumpstart my metabolism or trick my body into thinking it’s starving to death until it starts eating itself a la the movie Bring it On. Is that how it works? Probably not. And if anyone is feeling overwhelmed with the urge to message me and say that there are no quick fixes and I need to cUt OuT ThE dRInkInG aNd WoRkOuT, save your breath. You’re tacky and I hate you. A friend of mine also suggested we try out something called “colonbroom” which promises you’ll loose 8-12 pounds in two weeks. Unfortunately, I made the grave mistake of signing up for their mailing list prior to ordering the product and if I get another email with the header “Having a shitload of problems?” or “We have a shituation here” I’m going to call the fucking police.
It is worth saying that I went on an 8 mile uphill hike yesterday and I am feeling like a true beacon of health and wellness, despite essentially being forced. It wasn’t totally terrible, but I didn’t particularly feel any of those endorphins the 16 year old fitness gurus on Tiktok are always going on about. Like yeah, I felt invigorated and energized before I had the glow of youth stomped out of me too, JENNIFER. That being said one of my goals is to actually use the treadmill I bought in the height of quarantine, which is now in the corner of my boyfriend’s bedroom collecting dust. I read an article (saw on Tiktok) that if you use it 30 minutes a day on speed 3 incline 12 or something the pounds just fall off. But the jury’s still out on that one.
Speaking of jury’s, (wow do you see that seamless transition, Jane Austin could NEVER) I realize that in my tone deaf attempt to wrap up Gucci Gate I never touched upon the whole cataclysmic domestic terrorism that went down at our once Great Nation’s capitol the other day. I’ve never understood why people say that they don’t “like to get political” or outright refuse to discuss politics. Why? Do you really have anything else that’s more interesting to say? Judging from the (admittedly small) wave pool of of people I’ve had the pleasure of coming across in my 26 years, the answer is no.
Anyway, I honestly found myself emotional watching a group of camo laden white supremacists storm the Capitol building. The fact that a paramilitary coup was able to advance to such an extent in the United States, juxtaposed with the very grave reality of what would have happened if they were Black Lives Matter or Black activists in general is harrowing. I also don’t know if you happen to have seen photos of some of these Ivy Leaguers that defaced federal property and posed a national security threat, but it’s safe to say if the rest of the world wasn’t laughing at us before they are now. Just keep in mind, this civic disgrace is going to be immortalized in school textbooks for years to come. Kiiiiind of a tough pill to swallow. Also final thought, how is it that the FBI was able to identify and halt the ill-fated “Storm Area 51, They Can’t Stop All of Us” movement from last year but they had absolutely no fucking idea that this was coming? Do I smell a conspiracy theory?
Well I need to wrap this up and make some much needed doctor’s appointments before 5 p.m to start my new year on a proactive note. Not only am I feeling under the weather, but I think it’s finally time to tackle the fact that I have four fully grown wisdom teeth which should have been removed long ago. I also should probably make an appointment with another fertility specialist, as I’m preeeeetttttyyy sure I have one good egg left (if that). Wish me luck!
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