I can’t help but feel that my posts have become a little insular and mildly depressing so I decided to switch gears and write about something I’m passionate about almost as much as wine and self-loathing: makeup. I have loved makeup since the days of the Maybelline Dream Matte Mousse Foundation (always worn about six shades darker than needed) and the ICONIC Lancôme Juicy Tube Lip-gloss. I’m by no means an expert but I have wasted thousands of dollars trying almost every new product any “beauty influencer” recommends in desperate attempt to hide my perpetual undereye bags and rosacea. Here are a few of my favs.
Foundation-
This isn’t relatale to say in a time where people are literally depending on stimulus checks from the government for survival but my personal holy grail foundation, and I’ve tried about 50, is the Dior Airflash Spray Foundation. The price tag, combined with the (necessary) additional cost of the accompanying Dior Buffing Foundation Brush is admittedly lavish for the time we’re living in. But I promise, it’s fucking worth it. It provides a medium to full coverage and glides on so evenly and effortlessly it makes anyone feel like a pro. Not to mention, the brush is so amazing and soft that I’ve come danggggeeerously close to orgasming while using it. Also here’s a little piece of trivia for you- this is the foundation that they use on the models at all of the Dior shows, so honestly $111.50 not including tax is a relatively small price to pay for looking like a supermodel. Just go get it. You’ll thank me.
Concealer(s) –
These bags aren’t designer, they’re fucking tragic. I’ve tried almost as many concealers as I have foundations and I will admit that there are many less expensive drug store dupes which work almost as well. (See: Maybelline Instant Age Rewind Eraser) But I have to live my truth, and these two are the best of the best
- Tarte Colored Clay CC Undereye Corrector. I’ve had dark under eye circles pretty much since I left the womb and this was the first corrector I found that truly gave the illusion being well rested, no matter how many glasses of wine I had the night before. I honestly don’t know why this product doesn’t get more hype amongst beauty gurus, but it provides more coverage than your average concealer without looking chalky or caked on.
2. Tarte Shape Tape Contour Concealer. Speaking of hype, there’s a reason this product is so popular. It’s my favorite concealer by far, and definitely worth hunting down a nearby Ulta (it isn’t available at Sephora for reasons unknown). It’s brightening capability is unmatched and always makes manages to make me look less dead inside which believe me, is not a simple task.
Mascara-
I have tried it all. I have tried Too Faced “Better Than Sex”. I have tried Buxom’s Lash Volumizing Mascara. I have even tried Lancôme’s Monsieur Big Volumizing Mascara, a personal favorite of soon to be single and thriving Kim Kardashian. Don’t ask me why, but I’ve found the L’Oreal Voluminous Lash Paradise Mascara to be the best of the best. Located at any local drug store for a whopping 11$, it is the only product that keeps my eyelids from looking completely bald after an ill fated lash extension encounter. Seriously, it’s been like two years and they never grew back. Don’t do it. I’m looking at you Amazing Lash Studio.
Primer/Setting Spray/ Fountain of Youth
I have asked for Too Faced Hangover 3-in-1 Replenishing Primer and Setting Spray in almost every Secret Santa I’ve taken part in because it’s just. that. good. This Nectar of the Gods is a cult favorite that will leave your skin looking replenished and dewy with just one or two sprays. You can apply it before makeup, after makeup, or without any makeup and it’ll get the job done.
I have tons more products but I’m mentally exhausted from a long day of doing absolutely nothing and the bottle of Pino Noir on my nightstand has been calling my name for the past hour. Sooo maybe if people like this I’ll do a part 2. Goodnight and don’t forget to wash that makeup off your face before bed. You’re getting old and your pores are screaming.
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Wine and Zoloft 