Wine and Zoloft

Happy inauguration day everyone! As we stand on the precipice of what will hopefully be a more united and harmonious four year term, I can’t help but feel swept up in all the positivity and hope that’s been radiating on my time line all morning. That being said, I’m feeling more generous (delusional) than usual and decided to grace my reader(s) with some advice to life questions they have. Because if there’s one person who should be giving out life advice, it’s a 26 year old waitress with a drinking problem. Some were posed by strangers on the internet and some by friends of mine so for the sake of anonymity, I won’t be including names. I also took a little creative liberty and decided to start each question referring to myself as Dr. Rachel as an homage to queen icon legend/ overall bitch Dr. Laura Schlessinger. Let’s dive on in.

Dear Dr. Rachel,

I’m in my late 20’s and I’ve been with my boyfriend for a little over two years. He’s older than me and way more established in his life/career and I’m pretty sure he’s going to want to settle down soon. He says he doesn’t want to put any pressure on me, but thinks we should start trying for a family by the time I’m 30 because “pregnancy complications are common in women over 30”. I’m still a few years away, but I don’t know if I’d be ready by then to care for another human being for the rest of my life. Are we seriously supposed to still be having babies in our 20’s in 2021?

Sincerely,

Carefree and Childless

Dear Childless,

I have a question for you. Is your boyfriend a doctor in the reproductive/ fertility field? If he isn’t, he sounds like a huge fucking creep. I can’t fathom why he is even aware of pregnancy statistics, much less dropping them in casual conversation as a way to scare you into carrying his demon spawn for 9 months. Sounds like he’s controlling, antiquated, and has a small penis. Break up with him before he turns into Christian Bale in American Psycho. As you pointed out, it’s 2021 and we aren’t being oppressed by men or “societal norms” any longer. The fact that conceiving over the age of 35 is considered a “geriatric pregnancy” is insane to me and women in their 40’s are still perfectly capable of having a healthy and happy child. Sure, some of the ones I’ve seen are a little unfortunate looking and give off some serious “give us the ring my precious” vibes but let’s face it, it’s a roll of the dice no matter what age you are. I truly believe having a baby is one of those things that you’ll know when you’re ready and the time is right. Unless you get knocked up by accident, in which case Mazel Tov.

Dear Dr. Rachel,

I have a friend who I’ve been close with for years who’s recently become harder and harder to deal with. She only seems to want to engage in conversation when we’re talking about her, and rarely asks me what’s going on in my life. I also feel like anytime I open up to her about thing’s I’m going through she’s either really harsh and critical, or super short and uninterested. She’s one of my best friends, but talking to her has just been impossible lately. I’m not sure if she’s always been like this and I never realized, or if we just outgrew each other.

Sincerely,

Friend or Foe?

Dear Friend,

It sounds like you have a Foe. We’ve all been there, frenemies are a dime a dozen these days and can sometimes be hard to spot. I’ve definitely had my fair share of friends who have been overly harsh and critical under the guise of “caring about me” and “wanting me to be happy”, while simultaneously making me feel like a huge fucking loser. On one hand, I totally agree that you should be able to give your honest opinion to your friends, and certain friends who refuse to get a therapist might need a little tough love. But here’s the deal. Your job as a friend isn’t to criticize or judge, and if it gets to the point that your close friends feel the need to hide things about their personal lives from you then guess what? You’re the problem. As for you friend, here’s what I would do. Just be honest with her and tell her you feel like you can’t talk to her about anything for fear of being put in front of the firing squad for still having sex with your ex boyfriend who has a current girlfriend who was your former cowoker or whatever it is. Hopefully you guys can have an open and honest conversation about the kind of support you need from your pal, and if she turns the conversation back to herself, just ditch her. She sucks.

Dear Dr. Rachel,

I come from a super conservative family and we’ve always had a little friction between us because of our differing beliefs, but lately it’s become unbearable. Every time I go on Facebook they’re posting conspiracy theories about how the election was stolen from Trump and just generally inaccurate/ racist things that are really embarrassing. I don’t want to be associated with them, and it honestly has been making me depressed to see how out of touch from reality they are. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Depressed Dem

Dear Depressed,

Let me just tell you your first mistake. Going on Facebook. Facebook is a cesspool of people who never went to college and girls from your high school who refer to themselves as a “girl boss”, but are really just assistant to the regional manager of a multi level marketing pyramid scheme. This might be off topic, but if you start a job at 8 a.m. on a Monday and by lunch time on Tuesday you’re the Senior Vice President District 12 Managing CFO of Avon, it’s time to start asking some fucking questions. Anyway, I’m sorry your family sucks. The truth of the matter is that this is the last chance for Trumpers to feel comfortable with being outwardly racist idiots under the protection of the president for at least the next four years. (Soon) gone are the days where white supremacists can feel comfortable driving down the road in their “Grave Digger” monster trucks with a confederate flag in the back and a Trump 2020 sticker in the front. Their time is over, they’re going to be forced back into the shadows, and they’re pissed. If staying off Facebook during this tumultuous transitional period back to reality is too difficult for you (if this is the case maybe you have your own demons you need to tackle) might I suggest simply unfollowing your racist relatives? Or you could always go on the offensive and every time your Aunt posts about Biden having dementia you could comment and say you know who else has dementia Aunt Brenda? Grandma. And you haven’t called her in six months.

Anyhoo, I have a few more but maybe I’ll save them for another post. Or maybe I’ll just keep my mouth shut. Stay tuned!

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