To Bumble or Not to Bumble?

Hey pals. I’ve been a little quiet lately because I haven’t found the inspiration to write much but people have been super receptive to my weekly rantings so I decided to pause rewatching Schitts Creek for the fifth time and pick up the computer. I wanted to quickly dive into some pop culture stories of the week before discussing my own sad life.

Armie Hammer- Is it Armie? Or Arnie? Ok I just googled it’s Armie. I’m honestly really confused about this whole thing and I haven’t cared enough to look up the details but apparently he’s like a cannibal? And he messages women on Instagram telling them that he wants to own them as slaves and cut off their body parts and eat them? Yikes. The whole thing sounds like Christian Grey meets Jeffrey Dahmer and I would normally be kind of into it but I think these girls are saying they were branded with knives and now they’re traumatized so I’m not really down with that dipset. But isn’t it like, illegal to kink shame in 2021? Isn’t that what the youths with purple hair and nose rings say on Twitter? I don’t know. On one hand, I’m like how traumatized are you if you’re flying out to a luxury villa in the Turks and Caicos after receiving these messages, but obviously I know victim bashing is no beuno so I’m gonna leave this one alone.

Kristin Cavallari- I have always loved Kristin Cavallari. I have also never understood the appeal of Lauren Conrad who is literally the human equivalent of watching paint dry. We get it, you’re a “girl’s girl”. I have met more interesting people standing in line at a Stamford HomeGoods eyeing the discount candles. Put down the vintage Polaroid camera and stop Instagramming the colorful macarons. Hang it up. Anyway, I have naturally stopped following Kristin’s life in the decade that’s passed since she made the ill fated decision to join the failing franchise of The Hills. (I couldn’t bring myself to watch the overly curated E network space filler that was Very Cavallari) However, I kept seeing amongst the multiple Bravo accounts I shame follow on Instagram that her and her big dick daddy ex husband Jay Cutler posted a picture with eachother with the same ominous caption “The world is full of users. 10 years. Can’t break that.” Everyone was freaking out so yet again, I did a light google search and discovered they were referring to some Southern Charm “star” named Madison who I guess slept with Jay and attempted to use the ten minutes of sex to jumpstart her fifteen minutes of fame. Yawn. The only part of this that even remotely interests me is everyone who knows Kristin knows she’s a bitch you don’t come for unless she sent for you so I’m looking forward to her ripping everyone to shreds. I also hope her and Jay get back together because they’re both so hottttt.

As for for me, I’m newly single and looking for any way to claw myself out of the pit of despair I’m currently residing in. This has included several hapless attempts at working out, getting robbed blind at a local Whole Foods on “healthy” diet items, and scheduling a Botox/filler consultation. I’ve also decided to switch to vodka as a way to shave off some calories so I’m eager to see how that journey goes for me. Anyway, as I bask in the effervescent glow of heart ache and pain I find myself asking the age old question: to Bumble or not to Bumble? Or is Hinge the one the cool kids are using? I really just want to use whichever one makes me look less pathetic and desperate. I haven’t actually used a dating app since the last time I was single i.e. 7 years ago and that was Tinder (enough said), but I did download Hinge once when my boyfriend and I were fighting and it was .. not great. I got a bunch of matches (humble brag) but there was about a five minute gestation period between the initial message and them inviting me to their apartment/parents basement/ dungeon. Don’t people go on dates anymore? Or can’t they at least pretend they want to meet up for a cocktail before asking me if I’m on birth control? Also, if you do meet up with someone, do people still just make out anymore? Like, can I get away with an over the pants handy and call it a night, or am I too old for that? I’m presuming the ladder. Anyway, if anyone has any tips for me on how to navigate the single life I’m all ears. It truly is a brave new world, and I don’t think I’m everyones cup of tea.

#dating #single #bumble #hinge #southerncharm #kristincavallari #madison #drama #popculture #news #love #apps #datingapps #newblog

2 responses to “To Bumble or Not to Bumble?”

  1. 1. I’ve never related to anything more than the post break-up diet/Botox filler combo (you will get through this— don’t get the filler) 2. Thank you for opening my eyes to the fact that vodka has the lowest # of calories. Confused by all my friends who made vodka out to be a literal BIG MAC (and me out to be Mr. McDonald himself) while they sipped on “healthier” tequila in their free time. The pick me up I didn’t know I needed.


  2. Vodka and cranberry juice. That makes for a healthy breakfast. The cranberry’s good for the urinary tract and the vodka’s good for everything else!

    Liked by 1 person

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