As I sit here at my desk in elastic waist “business casual” pants which I may or may not have purchased from the maternity section on amazon, I am once again starting to question whether or not office like is, in fact, for me. As I believe I mentioned in my previous blogpost, I have finally gotten a real job that doesn’t require me to sling blood orange margaritas and I’ve embarked on my journey into the corporate world. After an ill-fainted trip to Naples where I spent the majority of my time crafting the perfect blend of Pinor Noir, melatonin, and Xanax that would render me unconscious in 15 minutes or less, I returned well rested and ready to conquer the world. Naturally, as is a reoccurring theme in my life, there were many aspects of oFficE lYfEeeee which I was woefully unprepared for.
Let’s start with some of the simpler things that have been putting a proverbial bee in my bonnet.
1. Office temperature. On my first days of beginning said job I was informed that the air-conditioning was “on the fritz”. This occurrence happened to coincide with some of the hottest days in recent memory, with temperatures reaching the low 90’s by midday. Considering the fact that my body’s reaction to even mild heat is similar to that of a middle aged woman in the throes of menopause, I decided to go on yet another amazon spree and purchase hundreds of dollars of short-sleeved office dresses and my own personal desk fan. As of last Friday, the air conditioning was ostensibly fixed and I can now say without much exaggeration that the temperature in here is on par with the Arctic Circle. I have goose bumps writing this and my nipples could cut glass.
2. Prior to this job I had never used Outlook, or anything more advanced that my G-mail account which I was forced to make in tenth grade for class and haven’t changed since. For some reason, the idea that I may not have been hearing back from employers because I had “xoxo” at the end of my email address (as a subtle nod to Gossip Girl) entirely eluded me during my years long job hunt, but I digress. Anyway, as I navigate the brave new world of company e-mailing, there is one aspect which I can immediately say that I am not a fan of. Being accosted via calendar e-vite for meetings (usually for reasons unspecified) is one thing, and I honestly prefer them to someone strolling by my desk unannounced while I’m cutting my cuticles. But the repetitive reminders at 15 minute intervals starting hours prior to the meeting is literally just kicking me while I’m down. The meeting itself is more than enough to send me into a full blown panic attack, but the by the minute reminders that its steadfastly approaching is tantamount to virtual waterboarding.
3. This one may not be entirely relatable and could possibly be something I need to speak to a licensed therapist about, but I am having a huge issue with office bathroom decorum. I try to drink about a gallon of water a day because in my mind that’s going to somehow cancel out the 3 aperol spritz, 1 glass of rose, and 42 glasses of red that I inevitably drank the night before. I also am pretty sure that my bladder is the size of a pea (no pun intended). To that end, I use the bathroom several times a day. Now this would be fine, if it were not for two things. 1. I have to walk past the entire office each time I go to the bathroom and I’m beginning to worry they might think I’m snorting cocaine and 2. I made the mistake on my second day of explaining to the armed guard outside of our office doors that I drink a large amount of water which is the reason behind my frequent trips, and he took that as license to make jokes about my bathroom use EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I pass by him to get to the corridor the bathrooms located in. Not only does the incessant small talk fill me with crippling anxiety, but the idea that someone is monitoring the length and frequency of my trips to the women’s room has filled me with pure existential dread. I have looked into adult diapers, but I’m afraid that they might be visible in my stretchy slacks.
This list could go on and on, but I think that I’ll give it a rest at the risk of sounding ungrateful for the opportunity that’s giving me full on imposter syndrome. Happy Flag Day.
#work #office #officelife #2021 #hot #heatwave #anxiety #fear #amazon