My Villain Origin Story

Hi friends. Family. Strangers who have come across this blog by accident. It’s been a while, so I decided to check in with you all. For your sake, I hope you’re doing better than me.

I have found myself in a hole so low and so deep it would take a squad of firemen without collarbones to pull me out. Allow me to indulge you in a brief recap.

In the past four months I have –

  1. Gotten laid off from my job (found out about said firing on Facetime with my father)
  2. Been effectively bullied out of my apartment building and had to move
  3. Had the Uhaul break down with all of my belongings inside mid move
  4. Contracted Covid-19 and spent the holidays isolated and alone
  5. Gotten my car towed on numerous occasions
  6. Started a job that is an absolute soul sucking gut wrenching nightmare
  7. Found a gray hair
  8. Gotten my book manuscript rejected by virtually every publisher in the eastern hemisphere
  9. Witnessed my dog get arrested and sent away to dog jail (which apparently, FYI, is the only jail that is not free of charge)
  10. Collapsed further into crippling debt

Is this a case of murphy’s law? Is this karma for consistently refusing to round-up on any of my CVS purchases to donate to whatever god forsaken charity they’re hocking that week? Perhaps a bit of both. Plan B isn’t cheap. I don’t need to donate to motherless widows against drunk driving in impoverished countries on top of it. Regardless, I have decided to pause writing my manifesto and start back up writing this blog. My villain origin story can wait.

So, what can we discuss?

Before I dive in – this is not a pop culture topic but it is by all means a hot button issue for me. And that issue is grocery store etiquette. As someone on the tail end of my mid- twenties, I spend far too much of my time puttering around the aisles of Grade A searching for something that I can microwave for dinner that doesn’t contain the human growth hormone. I think I’ve said this before, but grocery store parking lots in and of themselves are absolute ANARCHY. It was only yesterday that I pulled into an unfamiliar grocery store parking lot (it’s nearby my new home so I figured I’d give it a shot. Big mistake. HUGE.) and I was aggressively accosted by an elderly Hispanic man with a bum leg. I was driving along plucking my eyebrows minding my business when I notice said male waving his arms around like an airplane Marshall and screaming. I rolled my window down a crack to try to make out what he was saying and I heard:

“HEY. HEY. WHAT ARE YOU DOING. YOU GO IN THE WRONG WAY. BACK. GET BACK. BACK.” Again, much like a TSA agent, he was barking orders and making things as inconvenient for me as possible.

“I’m sorry, do you work here?” I asked incredulously.

“NO. I’M WALKING HERE. PEOPLE ARE WALKING HERE YOU STUPID BI-“

At this point I had had enough, cut him off mid-sentence, and yelled back “OKAY THEN PLEASE MIND YOUR BUSINESS BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.” I’ve always felt it’s important in these situations to match energies and show the person that is messing with you that you are, in fact, crazier than them.

However, I apparently mis gauged the situation and when I began to drive away feeling proud of myself he started chasing my car and I had to leave the lot altogether out of fear for my personal safety. ANYWAY my point here is. Grocery store etiquette. No one in the grocery store is enjoying themselves (unless of course you’re in Whole Foods and exploring the 47 different organic paprika smoked brie options) so it is absolutely crucial to keep your head down, not interact with others (ESPECIALLY if you know the person. They don’t want to talk to you. I don’t want to talk to you. I don’t care if I went to high school with your younger sister and I got drunk once before homecoming and threw up in your bathroom) and stay out of everyone elses way. And please. PLEASE. For the love of god. If you’re on the phone keep the talking volume at a bare minimum and do not stand idly in front of the fucking assorted sliced melons that I’m trying to grab while you discuss your friend’s hideous baby.

Moving on, the Will Smith slap heard round the world? Yawn. It seems that everyone and their mother has voiced their opinions on this and I, for one, am tired of hearing them. BUT I’m at a loss of content here so let me just say this. Will Smith leaping up and slapping a comedian at a formal ceremony and then breaking down weeping in front of the audience moments later is clearly indicative of some sort of internal struggle he’s got going on. I’m presuming he is tired of everyone making fun of him because his wife publicized their open marriage and he is angry that people correlate his wife’s lack of faithfulness as a blight to his masculinity. As someone with enough negative energy to create their own forcefield, I feel I can say with a certain level of confidence that Jada is not a good person and has some pretttttyyy bad vibes. Ditch her and find someone who doesn’t talk about their dead ex boyfriend for clout Every. Ten. Goddamn. Seconds.

Can someone explain to me who Hasbulla is? And why he’s culturally relevant? I’ve seen memes with him before but I never really paid any attention until he did that YouTube interiew with that long haired podcaster I want to have sex with. (You know the one I’m talking about, I also can’t be bothered to look up his name. He was a former NFL player or something. There’s something about him that’s like oddly alluring) Whatever that’s neither here nor there, ANYWAY I was not emotionally prepared for how fucking adorable Hasbulla is, nor was I expecting his little voice to sound like that and I want to squeeze him until his eyes pop out.  

Okay guys talk soon bye!!

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