Author Archives: rachellabellaa

Hey ladies. As the days, weeks, and months pass and I have received nary a call back or even so much as a whisper of a phone interview for the roughly 700 jobs I’ve applied to, I have found myself to be at a bit of an impasse. On the one hand, am I growingContinue reading “Cashing Checks & Snapping Necks”

Hello all. I’m sorry it’s been a while, but in the words of Bethenny Frankel, #ThisIsACrisis. As I write this, I am currently standing on top of my kitchen table. And not for the reason which I always thought I’d be standing on my kitchen table, which would be to hang myself from the ceilingContinue reading “Of Mice and Men”

Hi everyone! Hope you’re all doing well. Or, at the very least, better than me. As we enter my favorite season, Virgo season, we are on the precipice of the very date which I was dragged into this world kicking and screaming. And as my birthday looms around the corner, I’ve decided to give youContinue reading “Virgo Season, Not Blowjob Season”

Hello my friends. As I lay here in a pool of my own sweat and tears, having contracted an unknown illness that may or may not be monkeypox, I’ve decided now is as perfect of time as any to check in with you all. Although this post initially started out as a Dr. Rachel segmentContinue reading “Make It Through the Rain”

Hello you filthy sluts! It’s me. Ya girl. It’s been a while and I have a lot on my mind and lots to share with you all and I, for one, am excited. Although it may only 3 p.m., I’m tempted to pour myself a glass of crisp Pinot Noir so I can kiki withContinue reading “Ursula’s Revenge”

Gut Yontiff! Here’s an age old question for you all- What would you do, if your son (Pitbulls) was at home crying all alone on the bedroom floor bc they’re hungry? And the only way to feed them is to sleep with a man for a little bit of money (stay in a job thatContinue reading “To Waitress or Not to Waitress? / Hot Topics”

Hi friends. Family. Strangers who have come across this blog by accident. It’s been a while, so I decided to check in with you all. For your sake, I hope you’re doing better than me. I have found myself in a hole so low and so deep it would take a squad of firemen withoutContinue reading “My Villain Origin Story”

Happy International Women’s Day everyone! I can’t wait to see you all use the guise of gender empowerment as justification for posting a flattering photo of yourselves from 3 years ago. Come to think of it, maybe I’ll do the same. I haven’t posted in a while because I have been undergoing a very soulContinue reading “Hot Topics ~~”

Bon dia! Hope everyone’s having a blessed week. As I sit here pounding glass after glass of low-calorie rose, I have decided to bestow unto my loyal followers the gift that keeps on giving. My advice.  Let’s dive in. Dear Dr. Rachel, I have really reached a breaking point with a friend of mine, andContinue reading “The Return of Dr. Rachel”

Happy New Year my little Love Doves! I hope the start of your year has been far better than mine. To provide a brief brief update, my holiday season was absolutely fucking ruined because I, like the thousands upon thousands of others, got Covid right before Christmas. Apparently, this year baby Jesus decided to giveContinue reading “Fired on Facetime”

Hello all. I have had a particularly trying two weeks and I can feel my already WAFER thin veil of sanity starting to slip, so I thought now might be as good of time as ever to check in with everyone before turning my attention to some hot topics. First and foremost, I am onceContinue reading “L.K.W.C.A. (Hot Topics)”

Hello all. It’s been one hell of a week, and I personally feel like I need a few days of recovery to recover from my holiday weekend. Let’s dive in. The holidays are a difficult time for many. We’re fatter, we’re lonelier, and the anguishing pangs of nostalgia for a time bygone is enough toContinue reading “Tiny Tim”

Hi!!! Today is a special day. And do you know why? According to an annual bill I received this morning from the web provider I use, today is the one-year anniversary of Wine and Zoloft. Now, have I risen to international fame, received a book deal, or garnered anything bordering on critical acclaim as aContinue reading “Happy Anniversary!”

Hey all you cool cats and kittens. Yikes. Hated that for me. Came off alittle “chuegy” as the youths call it, bur I couldn’t think of anopener so I decided to throw it back to the golden age of quarantine because Ihear that there is a Tiger King Part 2 coming out on Netflix. IContinue reading “It’s Time to Lie Down”

Good morning, It’s 11:42 on a Wednesday and I am truly spiraling. Over the weekend, I was stalked, harassed, and verbally accosted by some Cadet Karen that lives in my building who appears to have some taken an issue with my ambiguous breed registered service dogs. After being followed down the street and unlawfully recordedContinue reading “Racially Motivated Canine Vigilante”

Hi. How’s it going with everyone? As for me, in the immortal words of Dorinda Medley, I’ll tell you how I’m doing. Not well bitch. In addition to my paralyzing battle with acid reflux, I’m currently struggling with the same cold/illness of unknown origin which I get every single year around this time. I’m weirdlyContinue reading “LinkedIn Influencers & Tantric Night Terrors”

Goooood morning everyone. It’s 9:52 a.m. and I’m fucking spiraling. First things first. As anyone out there who takes melatonin to sleep is well aware,  it typically causes some prettttty vivid nightmares. However, the dreams that I had last night were so fucked up and graphic I think that it’s best if I lay offContinue reading “Life’s Questions- I Need Answers.”

Hey yawl. It’s been a while. I haven’t had a second to myself in the last few weeks because for those of you who are unaware, I have been in the process of finding a place to live after being thrusted out of my childhood home on to the streets at the tender age ofContinue reading “Art Deco Interiors”

Heyy. How bout them Yankees? I hope you’re all doing well because for me, the hits just keep on coming. Yesterday I decided to go and view a condo in person against my better judgement. When I arrived to the location, which could only be described as “at the corner of rape and regret”, IContinue reading “Do Anything for Klout.”

I’m going to start this post on a somber note as I haven’t been able to stop openly weeping for Aprox 36 hours. My beloved beauty angel baby cat Sage passed away yesterday. I can’t discuss it, or even think about it, for more than a few seconds without hysterically crying. And if anyone thinksContinue reading “Crying and Starving”

Heyyy. What’s poppin.  We’re gonna be a little all over the place today because I’m flying high on nine hours of sleep and my newest addiction which has taken the form of a medium iced tea with lemon and sugar from Donut Delight. I’ve probably mentioned this before, but any form of caffeine ordinarily sendsContinue reading “Celeb Dating, the Delta Variant, & Dr. Rachel”

Yerrr. It’s me. Your girl. I haven’t written in a few weeks honestly because the majority of the people in my life have requested (demanded) that I not include them in my blog in any way, shape, or form and it makes it a little difficult for content purposes. You would think that people wouldContinue reading “Crisis”

HeYyYYY youuu  GuYYyyysss (Goonies Monster Voice) My schedule’s just been jam packed lately what with my blooming political career and all the time I spend googling lists of federal holidays, Jury Duty volunteer forms, and really anything else that may enable me to take the day off. Fortunately, multi-tasking is actually one of the only skillsContinue reading “Yelling Free Britney ’til I see Britney”

Hello all, As I sit here at my desk in elastic waist “business casual” pants which I may or may not have purchased from the maternity section on amazon, I am once again starting to question whether or not office like is, in fact, for me. As I believe I mentioned in my previous blogpost,Continue reading “Hired, But Tired”

Hello all. I’m currently flying down to nature’s resting home, otherwise known as Naples Florida. I’m actually writing this on my notes app on my cellphone in a last ditch attempt not to lose my fucking mind on the people sitting in front of me who have NOT SHUT THE HELL UP FOR ONE SINGULARContinue reading “Catch flights not feelings.”

Hey. Hope you’re all strapped in. It’s been a whirlwind. I realize that I haven’t been following through on yet another one of my goals for 2021 which was to post a blog every week. But, unlike the continuing expansion of my waist line, this one truly isn’t my fault. I believe I mentioned inContinue reading “9 to 5”

Gooood (not really) evening everyone. After spending about fifteen minutes locked in the freezer hysterically crying at work yesterday, I decided it was time for a much needed vent sesh. As it turns out, I am not mentally or emotionally equipped to deal with 40+ persons attending a gender reveal screaming at me because theirContinue reading “This Shits Fire”

Hey all you cool cats and kittens. To kick off today’s aimless musings I’d like to make mention of the fact that merely a week after I called Prince Phillip a “reanimated corpse” and said it was time for the Royal Family to start digging a shallow grave out back, he has officially passed on.Continue reading “License to Kill”

Hello everyone. I hope you’re having a truly blessed and bountiful week. As I fruitlessly scramble in the middle of a Tuesday afternoon for the missing charger to my favorite vibrator, I couldn’t help but feel my time would be better spent answering some more reader questions. I believe I promised a part 2 longContinue reading “Doctor Rachel: Part Deux”

Happy Quarantine anniversary everyone! Exactly one year ago today was the last time I blacked out mask-less at my favorite bar amidst friends and strangers without a Covid care in the world. The following day much to surprise and dismay, our governor who’s name I can never remember issued an official shut down order forContinue reading “Hot Topics”

Hey. It’s me. Your girl. Writing from my familiar seat in rock bottom which last night took the form of running out of Pino Noir and drinking an old champagne split from my cousins wedding two years ago. The perfect end to a perfect weekend. For those who remain blissfully unaware, after many many yearsContinue reading “Brunch or Bust”

Aaaand we’re back. I just want to talk briefly about something that has been weighing heavily on my heart for some time now. Something that has caused me a pain which I have not felt since I finally got to make out with a guy I had a huge crush on in high school andContinue reading “Britney 911”

Hiiiiiiiiiii *Jill Zarin voice*. Another month of the all encompassing nightmare which has plagued us since last March is upon us. And to make matters worse, Valentine’s Day is hovering right around the corner. I always thought people who made a big deal about being alone on Valentine’s Day were as uncreative and generic asContinue reading “Yas Qween.”

Hey pals. I’ve been a little quiet lately because I haven’t found the inspiration to write much but people have been super receptive to my weekly rantings so I decided to pause rewatching Schitts Creek for the fifth time and pick up the computer. I wanted to quickly dive into some pop culture stories ofContinue reading “To Bumble or Not to Bumble?”

Happy inauguration day everyone! As we stand on the precipice of what will hopefully be a more united and harmonious four year term, I can’t help but feel swept up in all the positivity and hope that’s been radiating on my time line all morning. That being said, I’m feeling more generous (delusional) than usualContinue reading “Dr. Rachel”

I can’t help but feel that my posts have become a little insular and mildly depressing so I decided to switch gears and write about something I’m passionate about almost as much as wine and self-loathing: makeup. I have loved makeup since the days of the Maybelline Dream Matte Mousse Foundation (always worn about sixContinue reading “Diary of a (Beauty) Addict”

Well, get your boots and your coat and get ready for a shitstorm of all the random thoughts filling my mind today. Today is the official start to my new year and I’m writing off the first week(ish) as a much needed adjustment period. I have yet to make my vision board due to pureContinue reading “Cabbage Soup & Military Coups”

Today was truly a day bleaker than most. And believe me, that’s saying something. But I promised myself that I would try to write everyday to keep the creative juices flowing, so I figured this would be a productive way kill some time. I probably wont publish this post because let’s face it, just likeContinue reading “A Bleak New Year”

It’s official. We have escaped the dumpster fire hell scape that was 2020 and have embarked on the new year a little fatter, a little drunker, and a little more depressed. My resolution’s, in no particular order, are as follows: Lose weight Drink less Get a job that doesn’t require me to wear an apronContinue reading “Should Auld Acquaintance Be Forgot?”

Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas Eve. I just wanted to further spread my holiday cheer and let my very few readers know that I did, in fact, witness a death the other day. It was in the paper and I’m now considering some sort of counseling for PTSD. Apparently, he was pronounced dead at theContinue reading “A Christmas Miracle”

Welcome back to the manic rantings of someone past their prime. I want to take a second to shout out the whopping 43 viewers of my previous blog post. It was about 42 more than I expected. My one other viewer was anticipated because I foolishly sent it to my mother who called it “interesting”Continue reading “Witnessing a Death and Other Christmas fun”

As I embark on day 2 of the cabbage soup diet I have very very few things bringing me pleasure right now. One, or possibly the only, thing giving me even a crumb of serotonin currently is The Real Housewives of Potomac. I’m going to give my reader(s) the advice that I give my friends,Continue reading “RHOP Reunion Part 1”

Well here we are. 4:43 p.m. on a Tuesday afternoon, wearing one of my manyhouse robes, running a blow dryer on myself for warmth. Or, what it’s otherwiseknown as, rock fucking bottom. Actually, I think rock bottom was when Ihesitated at the thought of spending the $48 that is apparently required tostart a blog. Shouldn’tContinue reading “Introduce Yourself”